Hello readers of Moviepilot, Deadpool here! By the way, where did that title come from? Moviepilot... I doubt that name went through a focus group. ANYWAYS, the guy that was supposed to be writing this article, DJ, stepped out to make some chimichangas for the both of us. He's a really nice guy! I didn't even have to pull my gun on him to make them! I mean, I might've been holding my katanas to his neck whilst (WHILST; that's a weird word... WHILST... say it with me... WHILST) asking him to make my favorite meal, but that is 100% irrelevant. I'm sure he would've made them if I was only holding ONE sword! So, where was I? Oh yeah! Since he's gone (not DEAD, jeez chill out, just out of the room), I took it upon myself to write this post for him. Also because there was no password on his laptop, C'MON MAN what if a crazy person broke into your home and got his hands on this!!! Wait... never mind.
So why am I here? Well if you you aren't deaf, blind, or dead, you probably know I have a movie coming out soon. It's called Batman v Superman: Dawn of Jus... wait a minute. Dammit wrong movie, mine's Deadpool. Just Deadpool. No colon, or subtitle, just my name. I had other ideas but the guys at Fox were like, "Nooo Deadpool, you cannot call your movie The Expendables! Let us take care of this." Idiots. But I did get some creative freedom in the film. They let me kill real bad guys! No laser eyes though, we tried that once and people didn't seem to like that. Now don't mistake this as simple plug for my movie, even if it bombs the nerds at Comic Con won't stop dressing as me. But I want to tell you why my movie is pretty damn important in the grand scheme of superhero movies.
Ignore the picture above, that was supposed to be a nice little segway into me giving some reasons but it's obviously not moving. Dammit DJ! I'm blaming any further mistakes on DJ (hashtag it and tag me @Deadpool #dammitDJ), because it's hard as hell to type in these leather gloves, and he left me here to write this article for him probably (he can use all the help he can get, am I right?). Segway done. Wow, that was rough. #dammitDJ
Let's be honest guys and gals (hello ladies), R-rated movies are way more fun! NO LIMITS!!! Well, less limits... It works for me at least. I mean everything is so much better when you can see blood and BEWBS (the killer B's I call them). If my movie blows your minds and is actually good, imagine the doors that could open! R-rated Incredibles movie? YES PLEASE! Just imagine a scene of Frozone saying, "Honey, where's my mutha -f***in supa suit!?!?!" I got a tingly feeling down under just thinking about it! Then again, that might've been testicular cancer. If you've seen trailers from my movie you'll know I have like a bunch of cancer. Like so much cancer. Probably too much cancer. Enough cancer to the point where the cancer is like, "We get it... You've got us. Jeez... Go get an STD every once in a while, we need a break." Anyways back to the R-ratings! Personally I'm a big fan of Batman. Still not sure if he and Ben Affleck are the same person but recent developments are telling me as much. And Affleck is... wait for it... wait for iiiittttttttttt............................. DAMMIT DJ, must be busy with the chimichangas (#dammitDJ)... *insert picture here idiot*
Ben Affleck kicks as much ass as Batman does right now. Granted, they work in different fields but still an equal amount of asses are being kicked (I'm telling you they have to be the same person! I can't be the only one thinking this!). Everybody knows Affleck hasn't directed anything but R-rated movies. And if the word on the street (yes, even I, Deadpool, spend time on the streets, you have to cater to all cultures people!) is to be trusted, Ben Affleck and Batman have a connection. This would lead me to believe that Affleck could direct a Batman movie, and maybe even an R-rated one!!! Imagine the stories you could tell, O...M...G... *gasping uncontrollably*
So it looks like the world's eyes will be on me to see if I can pull it off (not my pants, perv, my movie). These studio execs are too chicken to make their blockbusters with R-ratings because it takes out a chunk of moviegoers. Well I say f**k that (I don't know what it is but something keeps censoring that f***ing word. See there it is again! What the f**k! #dammitDJ). If people wanna see the movie they're going to see the movie. "Ohhh but we gotta soften it up for the kids!" They say.... No no no Mr. Exec. Not all movies are for kids, and that's okay. Unfortunately these bastards are too focused on money. But oh well, maybe I can be like Moses and part the Red Sea and lead all (or at least some) of the superheroes to R-rated freedom!
Let's not forget I have to team up with some of the X-Men. B-listers (don't tell them I said that), but still X-Men. So if my movie ends up sucking some huge ones, ole' Bryan "I made all the good X-Mens" Singer is gonna have to make another Days of Future Past just to erase another bad movie. And do we really want that? Well that movie was pretty badass-- WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING??? This movie is going to be fine don't even worry about it we'll be alright. And if it sucks? Screw it, we'll just make another in five years! Just look at Fox's wonderful efforts with the Fantastic Four movies! Fox is the epitome of perseverance! Also failure, but definitely perseverance too. I trust they'll do me justice. Otherwise, it'd be a shame for them to die of mysterious katana wounds that would definitely not be from me because this is not at all a threat.
Anyways kids, I'm about done here. Smells like DJ is about done with the chimichangas. Ohhhhh I can't wait, they smell so good!! So, to close out this article that is definitely not an obvious plug for my movie, I'd like to leave you with some wise words from my good friend Ryan (doesn't matter what his last name is)...
Did you know that a room full of butt-naked baboons banging on keyboards Zoolander style could reproduce this exact article within just 200 years?
So as you go on about your day not saving the world because you're not as cool as me or my friends, just remember that you possibly just spent about five minutes reading the result of 200 years of monkey banging. Bye!