I haven’t seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Why? Because I really don’t give a damn about Star Wars, that’s why.
Okay… you caught me. That’s a bold-faced lie. I actually care quite a bit about Star Wars. Always have, I'd imagine I always will. The real reason I haven’t seen the latest franchise entry is because my wife and I just had a baby (our third) and I’ve been swamped and sleep deprived. The wife is resting, recovering after having her belly split wide and I’m remembering all the wonderful challenges I’d somehow forgotten in the last two years. Fun stuff.
I’m also pretty preoccupied covering horror films. It pays the bills, therefore it comes first.
I recently had an interesting question hurled in my direction, via social media: Who would you cast in the original Star Wars, if it was a horror film instead of a sprawling fantasy adventure?
My initial answer was quite simply this: I’m not sure, I’d have to think about that one!
Well (Randy), I’ve thought it out. I’ve got your cast below, buddy!
Anton Yelchin as Luke Skywalker: Anton Yelchin, though still young, already has an insane résumé. Cluttering that beast are a number of high profile genre flicks. Disregards the dude’s baby face and realize he’s got the ledger of an experienced vet. That experience is important, because it could be the x-factor that ensures Yelchin is a top pick for the young, developing hero, Luke Skywalker. Whoever tackles this role has to impress. Yelchin impresses in every film he fronts, he’s got the confidence to tackle big roles and he had to be using some form of force to defeat vampires, killer robots and a crazed zombie girlfriend. I’d imagine Vader looks like a big cupcake to a dude like this.
Thomas Jane as Han Solo: Thomas Jane’s a rugged dude with a taste for the liquor. He’s got an I don’t give a damn look about him eight days of the week and he’s as tough as a $5 steak. He’s a hero and a villain, a survivor and a defy-er. A rebel to the core, Jane embodies a lot of the qualities that Harrison Ford brings to the Han Solo character. There isn’t much here in regards to similarity in appearance but Jane could do the unthinkable and step up to provide a similar yet unorthodox rendition of this iconic and lovable character. As long as Jane never works with Jonathan Hensleigh again his career should be solid, and a run at Han could be the defining moment.
Linda Blair as Princess Leia Organa: Let me guess, you saw this coming? Linda Blair, a younger Linda Blair, of course, has the brunette locks and the sultry eyes. She’s a little bit spunky, a little bit vulnerable and a whole lot of tough. That’s a pretty good description of Princess Leia. Blair’s vulnerability may be her finest trait. No matter how bad ass she may be, you can’t look beyond that hint of innocence in her personality and demeanor. That’s Princes Leia all the way. Rewind the clock a few decades and Linda Blair makes for a strong stand-in.
Lance Henriksen as Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Lance Henriksen doesn’t look much like Alec Guinness, but he’s stoic and he’s got the look of a man who has lived, a lot. Henriksen looks like he could mentor like a son of a gun, capable of transforming a rock into a killing machine. Light sabers mean little to the man, as he’s already tangled with xenomorphs and beasts from Hell, and he did so without any Jedi mind tricks. It seems obvious to me that he could handle this job.
Tyler Mane/Gunnar Hansen as Chewbacca: Two big, burly fellows, Tyler’s got the height covered while Gunnar was just a big hairy fellow with a personality. My gut says Gunnar is the way to go here, simply because it would be mighty cool to see Leatherface tackling the role of Chewbacca, but ultimately, I’m going to have to go (all the way) against the grain and give Mane the nod. He’s a physical guy, he knows how to use physical acting to great effectiveness, and 6’8” is a lot closer to 7’3” than 6’4”.
Ken Foree/Michael Rooker as Darth Vader: I like the physical menace of Ken Foree. If you’ve ever met the man you know he can be surprisingly gentle. But when in his presence it’s just about impossible to avoid feeling some degree of intimidation. That’s perfect for Vader. Foree’s voice could actually be pretty awesome as well as his deep voice is silky smooth, which would add something interesting to the character. But what happens when that helmet comes off? The dude’s got to be white, right? That’s where Rooker comes in. He’s a mean looking dude, and he pulls off the shaved head look in brilliant fashion. Let’s get that man Bic’d up with some scar make-up!