ByPhoenix Mangus, writer at
Comedian, DV filmmaker, Writer, Cinephile, and performer in a rock-comedy band, there is a lot to know about Phoenix but he's too lazy to wr
Phoenix Mangus

Exactly one second after the credits started to roll on the first theatrical showing of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" fans and plump boy-men began arguing incessantly about what is to come for the over-loved series of B-Grade sci-fi movies. Some of these theories may come true, some have been flatly denied by filmmakers while others have already made the rounds of the internet. However; are there rumors that fans have not heard yet? Yes of course and here they are:

10- Peter Jackson will be directing Star Wars 8, now sub-titled "The Fellowship of the Force." The movie will be broken into three four-hour installments labelled Stars War 8a, Star Wars 8b: Return of Solo and Star Wars 8c: The War of the Infinite Armies. Orlando Bloom has already been contracted to play Legolas-Wan, a space fairy strong in the Force.

9- Chewbacca will become an addict. Creating a strong sub-plot for the fan favorite Wookie after the loss of his dear adopted father and sometime lover Han Solo, Chewbacca will lose himself in mourning and chewing tobacco. By the end of the new series his addiction will become so intense that General Leia herself will take Chew Bacco (as he will become known) to a Tatooine Rehab Clinic in "The Rehab Menace."

8- No more movies are allowed to be made unless it is a part of the Star Wars universe. In a bill currently awaiting signature from Darth Obama, the Hollywood system will be barred from making any movies not, in some way, associated with the vast Star Wars universe. Punishment for non-compliance includes fines, prison and/or "personal" time with George Lucas.

7- Poe Dameron's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson will become famous American Horror author Edgar Allan Poe.

6- "A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away..." will be changed to "Now this is a story all about how my life got turned upside down..."

5- Whenever someone uses a light saber another character will always say, "You'll cut your hand off, kid."

4- Yes, Finn and Poe are going to get BIZZ-AAAYYY! Many, many times.

3-The New Ghostbusters will appear in order to capture the Force Ghosts. During that sequence the female population of the Star Wars universe will quadruple.

2- Tom Waits is discovered to actually be Supreme Leader Snoke in a multi-million dollar musical sequence. A first for the franchise.

1- There will be a shitload more toys and tie-in products coming. Stuff that will make you stop and think, "What the Hell?!?" before you buy it.

This THOT, tho. (Google Image Search)
This THOT, tho. (Google Image Search)

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