ByMark Robirds Jr., writer at Creators.co
Nerd with a love for movies, tv shows, games, and all kinds of nerdy goodness
Mark Robirds Jr.

Jurassic World was one of the most surprising movies of 2015 to me. Why? Well because the older I got, the less and less I like the original three movies. Now in comparison to Jurassic World, I sort of think the original three are not that good at all. Now before you all start reacting like this...

I would like to politely ask you to please remove your nostalgia goggles and listen to what I have say and when I'm done THEN you may attempt to kill me.

Let's start with the original 1993 blockbuster Jurassic Park, it stunned audiences all over with groundbreaking CGI effects and has proved to be one of the most successful movies ever made. It was re-released in theaters with Hollywood's dying gimmick: 3D. As a kid I loved this movie and I was always curious to see it how many did back in '93 so my brother and I checked it out and...we facepalmed through the entire movie. Yeah some movies like Watchmen or Jaws age like fine wine, Jurassic Park aged like milk from 1900.

What Is With the Security?

So an island filled with dinosaurs and CIVILIANS just strolling through this place and there's no guard tower or anything watching over the paddocks just in case...say a malfunction happens and a dino breaks out to go after one of the civilians? No all we get is Robert Muldoon who we will discuss later, I promise you that. No choppers on the island to carry security guards nor is there even security guards in the main visitor center. I mean a worker JUST died from trying to transfer only one velociraptor into its paddock.

And to make it better, the workers are just okay with these civilians just walking up to a sick Triceratops to touch it, embrace it like weirdos, and touch its tongue. This is a triceratops that could impale you with any of the spikes on its face if it had a spasm but does the worker do anything to hold them back? "NAH! They are experts on bones, a couple of annoying kids, and a Jeff Goldblum: I can allow them swarm this creature, dig through its droppings, and more than likely endanger their own lives. It's all good!"

You said it Jeff.
You said it Jeff.

Why Did Nedry Turn Off the Paddocks?

This is one I really just don't get. Nedry turned off the fences off the paddocks...why? Doesn't that increase the chances of getting attacked? If it is to ruin Hammond, why not just release everything? Why did he only leave the velociraptor paddock on? This part really just makes no sense to me.

Alan Grant is a bit of a moron.

I used to love this guy as a kid but as an adult I realize that he makes some of the dumbest decisions EVER! They all see a T-Rex coming and the only one to run is the lawyer and they treat him like he's a coward...umm BIG GIANT LIZARD THAT CAN EAT PEOPLE! It hasn't gotten out yet, so run like hell! Why are you just sitting in the cars!?

Oh and you gotta love this logic:

Lex: "He left us. He left us!"
Grant: "But that's not what I'm gonna do. Now excuse me while I leave you here to go up this tree."

Oh and the tree scene. WOO! The broken logic of this man continues. So after he gets Tim out of the tree, Tim accidentally turns the wheels (even though that wouldn't have done anything but let's roll with it) the car is about fall and what is Grant and Tim's astonishing way of escaping? Going straight down in front of the car. Apparently brains do not exist in this universe because THERE ARE BRANCHES ALL OVER THE DAMN TREE! This incredibly dumb scene would have been avoided if the two simply went two branches to the side! And when they get to the bottom and the car stops as well? What do they do? AGAIN! They run straight forward when they could have just ran to the side. Wow, did the people who wrote this movie get involved with Prometheus?

TURN DAMMIT!
TURN DAMMIT!

And they do the same mistake later in the movie when the flock of Gallimimis come running at them. Now as a logical human being, I would simply turned and run out of the way and let them run by but what does the amazing Alan Grant do? He runs WITH the flock and thanks to main character convenience, they don't get trampled on!

"Tim? If we get out of this, stay away from Grant."
"Tim? If we get out of this, stay away from Grant."

When the Rex attacks the Gallimimis, perfect timing to get the hell out of their right? No instead Grant just sits their staring (not very well hidden by the way) and enjoys the sight of it devouring another creature with a disturbing look of joy on his face. Kids, I'm not one to judge but you should run from him!

"Durrrr...should I move away?"
"Durrrr...should I move away?"

So Grant gets the kids to the visitor's center, awesome. What does he do then? Leaves them to find Ellie. No wonder this guy doesn't want kids. He's terrible at taking care of them. For someone who says he's not going to leave, he tends to leave them A LOT.

Robert Muldoon Was a Waste of Space

He was there is the first scene with the worker being mauled by a raptor, his hatred for raptors is displayed throughout the whole movie. They were practically building this guy up to be the Jurassic Park version of Dutch from Predator. However in the first scene he goes to fight the raptors? He's lizard lunch...well he served a great purpose in the movie didn't he? I mean he stood around, talked about how he didn't like raptors, continued to stood around, then he died. I mean the movie would have been so much less without him.

And let's talk about his death. This is has got to be one of the dumbest deaths in movie history. He has a raptor in his sights ready to kill it, then ANOTHER appears right next to him. Now a normal human would have just turned and blew the thing's face off but not the amazing Robert Muldoon, he simply says:

Oh she's not clever, you're just an idiot, Robert. So this pretty much confirms that Robert Muldoon goes up there alongside Sam Witwicky's parents on the pointless character meter.

The Raptors' Inconsistent Speed

Jurassic World showed us that these things can run up alongside a motorcycle then even pass it, in one of the coolest things ever in my opinion. Robert Muldoon even says they can go over cheetah speed which is about 60 mph. Soooooo how come these things take forever to catch up with a small kid who has a limp? I'm a human and I can reach my full speed pretty quick whereas that raptor decided to walk towards Tim for some reason. Oh right, we have main character convenience.

ELLIE ISN'T DOING ANYTHING HERE!

Yeah we're getting into the last act of the movie and this is where the already crumbing movie just melts into the biggest mess. So not only does Ellie just run by the shotgun on the ground that she should have just grabbed and shot the raptor, she tries to push against the door. Okay I can see that helping IF SHE WASN'T PUSHING WHERE THERE IS NO LEVERAGE! Technically Ellie was providing no help in holding back the raptor so she still could have gone forward and got the gun. This is one of the movie's worst moments of logic and its one of the dumbest scenes. Not only because of the whole door thing but what comes next...prepare yourself for the stupidity.

.....What is this?

Pardon my french but what the fuck is that? A UNIX system? Yeah...umm, you wanna know what a Unix Operating System looks like?

That is a Unix OS. It's not a 3D video game where you fly around to find a singular object that represents a file. If that's what Nedry and Mr. Arnold were using then my condolences, that's worse than Windows Vista.

And I just gotta love how Lex scrolls through the whole thing with just her mouse and Tim is a great help. He's just standing there tapping on the chair when he could just walk over and PICK UP THE DAMN GUN!

Metal Gear Rex

Throughout this entire movie, it has shown to us that you can hear the Rex coming from so far away yet in the climax when Raptors have surrounded our heroes, the Rex just magically appears and saves the day. Why? Because character convenience. Seriously, you don't hear it stomping and it just sort of appears out of nowhere. NINJA REX! Chika-Chika!

There are a lot more dumb moments in this one but we have two more movies to get through so let's move onto what is in my opinion the worst Jurassic Park movie: The Lost World. Even as a kid, I thought this one was lame.

WORST MAIN CHARACTERS EVAH!

These people are terrible, just terrible. How are we supposed to root for these people? The only sensible one is Jeff Goldblum but his quirkiness can only go so far. You have Julianne Moore being Julianne Moore in every movie that's she's in. You have Goldblum's daughter who is so annoying that you just want to rip your ears off when they talk. Nick played by Vince Vaughn who is just...there. He doesn't do much. What makes them all terrible is what they do throughout the movie. Okay so they want the dinos to live on Isla Sorna in peace and for them just to be observed, not captive. Okay a noble cause but how they go about that cause makes them unlikable.

When InGen has all these animals captive, our main heroes come up with the ingenious plan of setting them free inside the InGen camp causing who knows how many deaths to those who were just doing their job. Sarah and Nick take the wounded Rex infant to the trailers so this causes the Rexes to attack thus sending the trailers off the cliff. Combine that and the fact that the dinos destroyed InGen's communications, literally everything bad that happens in this movie is because the main heroes are complete and utter idiots! Many people die from a Rex attack. Why? Because Nick took the rounds out of Roland's double barrel rifle. Roland could have killed the Rex and spared many lives but nah, the ends justify the means I guess. And its because the Rex isn't killed that it's sedated and brought to San Diego thus causing much more deaths. Starting to see why I hate these characters?

Main Character Convenience

You think the first one had a lot of this? This movie thrives on the fact that our main characters are the luckiest people on the planet...and since the only likable characters are Roland and Malcolm it disappoints me to see all these characters live. When the trailers fall, they just perfect fall around them and they don't even get a scratch. Why don't the Rexes just bite off Sarah's head when she gives the infant back? She's the main character. Why doesn't the Rex bite any of them in the waterfall? They are the main characters. How did Jeff Goldblum survive a high drop? Main character. There is no fear for these people's deaths because you just know they are never going die. But all the nameless people who work for InGen? Pfft, they are like Stormtroopers who cares. "But they had families back home." NO ONE CARES!

Why Are the Rexes Completely Different?

This is a bit of a nitpick but it bothers me. The Rexes act nothing like they did in the first movie. Remember when the Rex was keeping up with a Jeep Wrangler going at full speed? Well in this one it can barely keep up with a couple dozen men running and tripping down a small and convenient path. In the first one they acted completely on their vision based on movement whereas in Lost World, they act on sound and scent. Nitpick on my end but it just irritates me.

The Acrobatic Scene

Raptor: "Doiiiii!"
Raptor: "Doiiiii!"

This is not only the dumbest scene in the movie but it is one of the most hilariously bad scenes from any movie, I mean its up there with stuff from Batman & Robin, Birdemic, and the Room moments. Kelly out of nowhere becomes a badass and does all these flips through bars then yells out, "Hey you!" The Raptor actually turns and looks at Kelly then with a big flip Kelly sends the Raptor out the window.

This is so hilariously dumb. I can almost hear the Raptor doing the Goofy scream when it goes flying out the window.

The Raptors Are...Smart?

Speaking of Raptors, has anyone noticed that both the first movie and Lost World constantly show that these things are dumb as stumps when they are constantly being called smarter than dolphins and primates. One gets fooled by a freaking reflection, one actually manages to get distracted by "Hey you!" and actually stands there long enough for the girl to kick it out of a window. In the first movie they could open doors but in The Lost World it just jumps through a window.

Really this entire movie is just a big mess but I don't want to go crazy with each movie so I'm going to move onto the other big mess: Jurassic Park III.

I'm going to make this one quick and just say this:

The Whole Movie

Yeah there is nothing redeemable about this other than some decent CGI. They kill off the Rex and try to replace it with the Spinosaurus which Colin Trevorrow cleverly bashed on.

Mr. and Mrs. Kirby are some of the most annoying and awkward characters. Every other character is so boring and lame. Alan Grant is...well he's Alan Grant. The dinosaurs are lame, the action pieces are lame, and I am tired of these movies just being people running away from dinosaurs. Can't we have a fun action movie with awesome humans fighting dinos and even dinos going at each other all Godzilla style?

HALLELUJAH! The one I had little interest in ended up being the best of the franchise filled with likable characters, fun action, and great visuals. Was Jurassic World perfect though? No it had a couple issues which I will briefly touch on.

The Aviary Was Made of Glass

This one of the only times that the movie made me facepalm: the aviary was made of GLASS. GLASS! I can't be the only one thought this was stupid? A dome filled with dozens of deadly aerial predators was made of something that could shatter easily? Hey how the pterodactyls got out in Jurassic Park III was stupid but they couldn't get out of the metal aviary for a reason.

The Kids Started Up a 20 Year Old Jeep

Look I know that Gray was kind of a kid genius and we don't see what they do to start it up, but I still call bullcrap that they found fuel that was twenty years old and could still work.

Claire And Those Damned Heels

Everybody's made fun of this, including actress Bryce Dallas Howard and yeah, it's pretty ridiculous how much this woman does in these heels. I mean she makes a Rex chase her and she manages to outrun it in them.

So that's my take on the Jurassic Park franchise, three bad movies and one good one. Hopefully the next one doesn't follow the route of the first three and embraces more of the action movie route. What are your thoughts on the problems I listed? Let me know in the comments below!

Trending

Latest from our Creators