Awards season is almost over, but we have one more big show before we bid adieu to celebrities drunkenly poking fun at one another in one breath and congratulating each other in the next.
The Oscars are set to air at the end of this month, and although it's looking like The Revenant might finally snag Leo that golden statuette he so clearly deserves, other nominees won't be so lucky. On the plus side, they won't be walking away empty-handed.
Distinctive Assets recently sent out a press release that included the contents of the gift bags meant for all of the nominees - and was sure to mention that these bigs have no actual association with the Academy. And these are so, so far from the gift bags we all received at friends' birthday parties as kids. While I agree that they're all deserving of praise for their hard work, this gift bag is seriously out of control.
The entire package contains 42 gifts total, which is more than my last 10 Christmases combined. There's an array of different prizes ranging from $300 worth of personalized M&Ms to a 15-day tour of Japan. I'm definitely not going to take the time to list out every gift — due to both time constraints and the insane jealousy within a mere peasant like me — but I've picked out the especially insane examples worth highlighting for all of you.
1. Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer: $249.99
Taking top billing for the gift bag listing, this vaporizer is especially hilarious considering the Oscars banned smoking of all kinds this year. This was conveniently announced after Leonardo DiCaprio was pictured ripping a massive e-cig at the SAG awards. Jeez, the Academy really can't cut this guy a break.
2. An all-inclusive trip to Israel: $55,000
This is a 10-day all-inclusive trip to Israel for the nominee and a friend (or me, maybe). This trip of a lifetime includes two first class tickets and five star hotels with meals, transportation, and private security included (doesn't sound too different from the life of an A-Lister anyway). Alright, Brie Larson, now would be a great time for you to return my calls so we can become best friends and travel companions.
3. A lifetime supply of Lizora Pu-erh Tea products: $31,200
Wow. That's a lot of tea-based soaps and moisturizers.
4. Delovery personalized gift baskets: $2,000
Delovery is essentially a professional gift buyer for the people you care about. They claim that gift-giving should be "personal" and "special," and nothing says personal like having someone else buy and deliver a present to them. To be fair, the nominees will consult with the specialist beforehand, but c'mon people!
5. Silvercar rentals: $45,000
Silvercar is gifting the nominees with a whole year's worth of fully-loaded Audi A4 rentals.
6. Vampire Breast Lift: $1,900
This is similar to the famous Vampire Face Lift. Using the person's own blood, the physician will isolate growth factors and inject them into the patient's breasts to help stimulate the growth of new tissue. As weird as it may sound, the Vampire Breast Lift is kind of interesting, although it's a little presumptuous to assume that the any of the nominees actually need any work done.
7. Fiera® Arouser for Her: $250
If the awards ceremony isn't enough to get your blood pumping, the nominee gift bags will also include a wearable vibrator. A WEARABLE VIBRATOR, PEOPLE! Everyone needs to check out the website for this product because it's pretty hilarious to imagine Mark Ruffalo making use of this.
If you're sensing a little bit of bitterness in this article, it's because I'm a little bitter. Keep in mind, these are only a handful of the gifts offered in these insane swag bags, and pawning off just a few of these items would allow me to live totally freed from the shackles of my student debt. What a dream!
In case you're wondering what this gift bag totals up to, don't worry. I did the math on this one. So, how much do these perks total up to for our lucky nominees?
A whopping $227,235.10!
Here's a list of some other things you could buy with $227,235.10:
- A Bentley Continental GTC
- Four years of tuition and fees at Harvard
- A house in Oregon
- 227,235 McChickens
In any case, well done to all of the nominees! I wish you all the best in the coming events, and if you want to share this gift bag with me, you can find me at the Moviepilot offices looking sad and poor.
This year's Academy Awards will air on February 28, 2016.