UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. 1992. DIRECTED BY ROLAND EMMERICH. STARRING JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, DOLPH LUNDGREN AND ALLY WALKER. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
This is a great action film. I don’t normally go in too much for action films but, when they have wall-to-wall beefcake starring in ’em like this one, I can appreciate the heck out of them. I recently watched UNIVERSAL SOLDIER on the big screen at Dublin’s Lighthouse Cinema courtesy of Grindhouse Dublin. Let me tell ya, folks, beefcake looks even better on a nice big wide screen.
So, who’s this beefcake exactly, then? Well, we’ve got Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren on duty here as the eye-candy for chicks. Oh my Lord, they’re both so hot they’re positively sizzling, goddammit. They play American soldiers who were both killed in Vietnam, a very sad day for women everywhere.
In an unexpected twist, however, the two lads’ beautiful corpses are ‘reanimated’ in a top-secret army project along with a bunch of other deceased soldiers. They become the titular Universal Soldiers, ie, an elite group of super-soldiers who can be called upon to resolve situations of extreme peril and delicacy. They’ve had their memories wiped clean and they’re programmed to follow orders at all times.
These genetically augmented hotties have superior strength and healing abilities but they need careful handling as well, in case they overheat and what have you. Well, I don’t mind being on standby with cold compresses and suchlike. I’m just throwing that out there, heh-heh-heh.
Anyway, a twist of fate throws one of the super-soldiers and a nosey reporter lady together for a crazy road-trip. Jean-Claude Van Damme, aka The Muscles From Brussels, plays Luc Devereaux. He’s a super-soldier who still has flashbacks to the harrowing time in Vietnam that lead to his death at the hands of Dolph Lundgren’s Sgt. Andrew Scott.
Veronica Roberts is, well, a nosey reporter lady who needs one more big scoop to get her ailing career back on track. The top-secret Universal Soldiers story will do very nicely indeed for that purpose. Hell, she might even win that Pulitzer Prize she’s (presumably) been hankering after. That kinda pushy woman is always hankering after something. Trust me, I know. I’m one myself, haha.
It doesn’t take her long to fall for the sexy-as-hell-but-also-endearingly-vulnerable Luc Devereaux as they drive madly across country to get away from an enraged Dolph Lundgren. Sgt. Andrew Scott’s gotten some of his memory back too, which is bad news for Luc.
He thinks they’re back in Vietnam and Luc’s just disobeyed one of his murderous orders. He’ll stop at nothing to bring back the ‘traitor’ Luc, who’s absconded with the reporter lady in an attempt to get back somehow to his home town. Will they make it, or will THE PUNISHER catch up with them first…? You’ll have to watch this terrific science fiction and action flick to find out, folks. I’ll never tell…
The best scenes are in the diner when Luc is discovering the joy of eating real food for the first time, to the bewilderment and enragement of the other diners, and at the motel when Luc asks Veronica to check his magnificently buff naked body for some kind of tracking device. She checks him everywhere, to the accompaniment of several hilarious double entendres.
‘Check for something hard,’ he tells her, or words to that effect. Wish I’d been there to help out.
Luc has no self-consciousness whatsoever, and so he doesn’t think twice about stripping off when he needs cooling down. When he strides outside the motel completely starkers to look for Veronica and we got to see his unbelievably tight bare buttocks in all their muscly glory, I think I accidentally, well, came, haha. And when he lies naked in the bath of ice, holy mother of pearl…! I needed some serious cooling-down myself, I don’t mind telling you.
Yes, yes, there’s shooting and car chases and explosions to beat the band in this film. I think I’ll leave it to some male reviewer to describe those to you in detail. For my part, I just spent the whole night fancying the gorgeous arses off of both male leads, which was tremendous fun altogether, let me tell ya.
I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Dolph Lundgren anyway. but Jean-Claude Van Damme’s sexy voice and beautiful velvety chocolatey-brown eyes converted me in no time flat. Remember when Rachel and Monica from FRIENDS were arguing over which of them got to go out with him? I can’t say I blame them, folks. I can’t say I blame them…
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens’ fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can contact her at: