When you walk past the calendar that's hung in your kitchen, the date February 10th, 2017 is circled in blood-red marker pen. Why? Because that's when your next favourite movie and mine, Fifty Shades Darker, will be unleashed.
Just when I thought I couldn't possibly be any more stoked for this potentially life-changing event, I received a call to say that Christian Grey himself had been following Moviepilot's coverage of Fifty Shades with keen interest (when not balls-deep in Anastasia Steele, of course).
What happened next was amazing: Mr. Grey made a personal phone call to my secretary asking if he could pen an article titled "How I Did It: The True Confessions of a Sexual Predator" exclusively for this website. It goes without saying that I was thrilled by the idea.
He then set about seducing my secretary, and when I left my office I found her panties on the floor alongside a pile of ash. How does he do it?
Unfortunately when I woke up the next morning and checked my emails, the promised article was nowhere to be found, and my only email was from a Nigerian prince in need of an airline ticket, so instead I returned to my usual routine of googling "Fifty Shades Darker news".
Happily, there was plenty: firstly, Eric Johnson has been cast as Jack Hyde, Christian's rival and therefore mine. For those who've forgotten Jack's backstory (repent), he and Christian grew up in the same foster home, but when the wealthy Grey family chose to adopt Christian - he no doubt deployed his legendary charm - Jack developed an animosity toward his old friend. The grudge carried through into adulthood.
You may have seen Johnson (no relation of Dakota) before in The Knick, although, let's be honest, probably not. Also joining Kim Basinger, Max Martini, Rita Ora and Bella Heathcote in the Grey sequel is Robinne Lee, who plays an executive at Christian's company, along with Fay Masterson in an unknown role. The movie began shooting this week in Vancouver.
When I returned to work, my secretary was back. She told me that Christian had indulged her in some "kinky f*ckery" and awakened her "inner Goddess", but that after an honest discussion both parties had decided his future lay with Anastasia. I was amazed by the man's ability to reach a woman's "forbidden zone" via the medium of phone call, and once again left wondering: How does he do it? Maybe one day he'll write that article and share his secret.
Fifty Shades Darker releases in 11 months and 22 days. Not that I'm counting.