ByBob Franco, writer at Creators.co
Check out my work here, comicsverse.com, and monkeysfightingrobots.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIvgFWXNv94

Have you ever watched something so bad that you can feel your blood curdling inside your veins? There was absolutely no good reason why I gave The Garbage Pail Kids Movie a chance, but I had a crippling case of nostalgia after finding my Wacky Packages, Garbage Pail Kid cards, and Pogs. Also, watching the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode "The Gang Runs for Office" further initiated my quest to torture myself. In said episode, Charlie tries to use his collection as leverage for political purposes in a deal with Frank. I knew there was a movie based on the Topps Company trading cards, which are in turn a parody of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, and thus forced myself to witness this monstrosity of creation. The whole premise is a clear Gremlins ripoff, with a different target audience and genre. The concept reminded me of this Key and Peele skit...

I honestly had no clue how long I would last, but I managed to witness it all, mostly from the goodwill of beer and pizza. Now, I realize The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is as hot as Deadpool right now, so I'll tip-toe through the plot.

WARNING: Unnecessary Spoiler Advisement.

If you've been pining to see this 'film,' which I realize is virtually no one in existence, stop reading now. Actually don't. I'm saving you a piece of your life. Basically, the movie is about a boy who works for a man who runs an antique shop. He has a forbidden item, a garbage pail, that leaks green goop that the boy mustn't fool around with. After the boy is pushed into a puddle by his formidable bullies, and another instance where he was showered with sewage, enough raucous is caused to spill the green goop (green applesauce) out of the garbage pail, which releases Greaser Greg, Ali Gator, Valerie Vomit, Foul Phil, Nat Nerd, Windy Winston, and Messie Tessie.

Feel free to guess who is who.
Feel free to guess who is who.

Such a progressive cast of characters! After they are sprung loose, they wind up entangled in the boys quest for his crush who is dating the leader of his bullies. He finds out that she sells cloths to dance clubs and has the ragtag-misfit-kids produce items in order to impress her. Any who, she's essentially double-crossing the boy, as she secretly plans with her real boyfriend to get rid of the Garbage Pail Kids after using them to essentially produce for her a whole line for her fashion show. Yes, that's the actual plot. it all comes down to fashion. Looks like Ben Stiller and the Zoolander team have some explaining to do. Of course, the boy saves the 'kids' with help from biker friends and his boss and they ultimately set them free.

Juice and his illustrious crew.
Juice and his illustrious crew.

Now I withheld the names of the character because they are more insane than the actual Garbage Pail Kids themselves, as they continuously fart their way out of trouble. The boy is named Dodger, his crush is Tangerine, and the head honcho bully is named Juice because what's more intimidating than something that goes in sippy cups and small cartons with straws glued on them. To make matters worse, the bullies wear fingerless leather gloves and his main goon sports a mesh tang top. The overt silliness never seems never wavers. The bar in the movie is called "The Toughest Bar In The World," a clothing factor is labelled "Non-Union Sweat Shop," and the kennel-like place Dodger and Captain Mancini (his boss) rescue the Garbage Pail Kids from is branded "State Home For The Ugly." I don't know if the writers believed they were being clever with stupidity or just gone completely insane from this film.

The film is filled with more atrocious elements, as well. The dialogue is often dubbed at horrendous levels, the banter is repetitious, there's obnoxious thunder and lightning sounds for mood setting, the humor is beyond childish, and the 'original' music sometimes tries to copy the aesthetic of the Beverly Hills Cop theme, while other times going for a Van Halen vibe.

I can't lie, Juice's awful deadpan performance, name, and look gave me a few chuckles, along with the various, neon animal print all the characters wore, so maybe I was entertained, or at the very least brainwashed...

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