The Disney Princesses are an important part of American culture, like Apple Pie, fireworks, and not understanding the Kardashians. We've seen Princesses who tamed beasts with beauty, tamed America with talking trees, and abandoned a magical life in the ocean for a dude she had never met before. But after all these years one question has never ever before been answered... that I know of. And that is the most basic of questions: Which Disney Princess is the richest? And so, bravely, I have stepped to the fore, armed with that one economics course I maybe took that one time and a heaping helping of sarcasm to compile the following list.
A few basic rules: first off, no sequels. I have no idea what goes on in "Mulan 2: We Really Made Mulan 2?" and I have no interest in finding out. This is a pure and holy list, and I will not sully it with straight-to-DVD releases about the evil plans of Ursula's stepsisters neighbor or whoever the villain in Little Mermaid 2 was. Also, this thing goes from poorest to richest with the exception of the one Princess I disqualified cause she was sort of an idiot. Okay, I think that about covers it, on with the list!
12. Snow White (completely unknown and therefore disqualified)
Who exactly IS the Prince that Snow White marries? I mean isn’t it distinctly possible that he’s just some random dude who wandered into the palace wearing a stupid hat and a mini-skirt? The only thing we know for sure is that he has a horse… or stole a horse, and then kissed a dead girl. Is that REALLY something a rich dude does to a girl he met once? I say no. That’s the sort of thing a crazy, homeless person does. I’m disqualifying Snow White based on the completely unknown nature of the potentially crazy, deranged, singer she wanders off with at the end of the film. I mean, the woman wasn't exactly great with the decision making process was she? She did, after all, take fruit from the most evil looking old woman ever.
At the end of Mulan, Mulan is (at least mostly) married to Chang. This gives her a grand total property of two houses. Not too shabby where normal people are concerned but as far as Disney princesses go, owning two houses is like having a particularly large refrigerator box on the side of the road. I mean, I’m about to spend the next several hundred words trying to estimate the value of castles! Two houses in China aren’t exactly dropping anyone's jaws regardless of how many hilarious fire dragons may reside inside.
Total assets: two houses, a dramatic pool to sing at, and one Eddie Murphy dragon.
I’m gonna endeavor to be at least slightly less offensive than normal here but at the end of Pocahontas all Pocahontas has to be in charge of is a tribe of Indians. Ignoring the gross historical inaccuracy of even calling Pocahontas a “princess” laying claim to some long cabins and a canoe or ten doesn’t exactly rank you among Disney’s rich and famous. Sure you can paint with all the colors of the wind but is anyone buying those wind paintings??? Nope. I mean, it is better than two houses to be sure, but better than a castle? Or (dare we say it) TWO castles? Ha. I think not.
Total assets: several houses, nice property spread, worthless wind paintings and a definite drop in property value due to the presence of the creepy, haunted, old-lady tree.
At the end of the Princess and the Frog Tiana is a “princess” only in the sense that she owns a restaurant called 'Tiana’s Castle' or something like that. Granted Mulan isn’t a princess at all but Tiana’s total assets aren’t exactly jumping off the page. Still it is New Orleans which is a nice set-up and also prime real estate so I’m ranking her above Mulan’s two houses and Pocahontas’s forest of living creeper trees.
Total assets: One castle themed restaurant and a musky frog scent.
Okay so, from here on out I’m essentially just comparing a bunch of super-rich people so the science is gonna get sketchier... And I realize I'm using the term 'science' very generously. Near as I can tell all Belle gets out of her marriage with Captain Hairy is a castle. I’m not decrying the ascertain of a castle, but I don’t think she actually gets a kingdom. I mean sure the Beast is called a “prince” but he’s been locked in that castle for a long time. If he ever did rule a kingdom I’m assuming someone else took over while he spent his days fighting fleas and cleaning his litter box. Plus, the castle she gets is located in the middle of a horrifying forest, I mean the wolves aren’t gonna just move out because the Beast is all warm and squishy and stuff. In fact, you could say that now that they don’t have to worry about the Beast the wolves will actually get worse!! So it’s a nice house and all but kind of a bad neighborhood.
Total assets: A castle, some surprisingly musically apt servants, and a bunch of neighbors anxiously waiting to eat her.
Ariel drops down this low through sheer ambiguity. What exactly is Eric the prince of? I mean I assume it’s some sort of seafaring nation but now that Ariel is in power is she really going to allow commercial fishing? Wouldn’t that be an important part of the nation’s economy? I’m not saying Ariel killed the economy in her new husbands kingdom, I’m just saying it’s a distinct possibility. Plus, Eric’s house is nice and all but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “a castle,” sure his parents might live elsewhere but I have no idea where that is. It’s also distinctly possible the rest of the kingdom has been take over by zombies and Eric is the last surviving human in the entire place! Kind of like I am Legend except with a far more annoying dog.
Total assets: mostly unknown. Either a fishing based kingdom on the brink of economic collapse or a zombie infested wasteland… though I forget how I came to that second conclusion.
Jasmine is an Arabian princess who marries a street urchin (two movies later) so while she doesn’t gain anything through her marriage she is still the princess of an Arabian kingdom. An Arabian kingdom where it’s “hotter than hot”, a place where “they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face” and where “a fool off his guard could fall and fall hard out there on the dunes.” I’m not saying it’s not a great place to the be the queen of but at the very least there seems to be a serious crime problem. As far as I know, marrying a street urchin and professional thief isn’t exactly gonna cut down on that problem.
Total assets: one palace, one crime infested kingdom with a serious temperature problem.
Merida inherits a kingdom in Scotland. Now, Kingdoms in Scotland are awesome and she does have a pretty cool castle but it’s cool in a rustic sort of sense. You don’t really get the feeling Merida is rolling in the dough in that castle. Plus, apparently bears are a problem and there are fair to decent odds that her siblings will burn down the house. So, while being the princess of a castle in Scotland is awesome (I have Scottish relatives) it’s not exactly the most lucrative place to be when compared to certain other castles/kingdoms that reside in magical kingdoms.
Total assets: one castle, a bear-filled kingdom, and sweet sweet archery skills (no actual value)
At the end of Tangled, Rapunzel is reunited with her mother and father and inherits (or will inherit) the magical kingdom of Whats’it. Not only that, but she has also done a decent job of cutting down on crime by convincing the local criminal element to convert to more peaceful activities (such as figurine collecting… or something.) We know very little about her kingdom but we can at least assume they’re gonna save some money by not holding state-mandated candle light vigils once a year.
Total assets: One kingdom filled with pyromaniacs.
I’m bunching these together even though one is technically a queen. It’s not like the rest of this process has been tightly regulated anyway. So they both rule their tiny island kingdom which (it seems) is kind of a trade center or something? I mean there’s not a ton of real estate out there but the kingdom seems to be rocking and rolling.
At the end of the movie they do break ties with their number one trade partner but let’s remember that the Queen of this country has the ability to CREATE LIFE!! I mean the cost of manufacturing things is about to plummet if nothing else. I mean we’re trying to figure out how to cope with robot workers in this country but in the magical kingdom of Whatever-ton they have fully functioning, sentient snowmen who require no food or sustenance. That’s gonna do something for your economy. The only reason this Kingdom isn’t number one is that apparently Elsa is more focused on ice-skating rather than economic growth.
Total assets: one kingdom, a thriving sea trade, and the ability to create an undefeatable home defense fort from the ether of un-reality.
I know this seems kind of high for Cinderella but let’s all remember the size of the castle she’s moving into after getting married. Plus, the party she was at certainly didn’t seem to be the product of a struggling economy. Plus, doesn’t that look exactly like the castle in every Walt Disney movie? I mean the royalties that Cinderella much get for letting Disney use her castle must be colossal.
Total assets: one MASSIVE castle. A kingdom filled with apparently magical mice capable of human speech. A fairy godmother able to intercede on her behalf whenever she feels like it.
And finally our number one richest princess…
Think about this: at the beginning of the movie Aurora is a princess and at the end of the movie she is marrying a prince from a different kingdom. She is now therefore, the sovereign of two entirely separate kingdoms who (as far as we can tell) are at least moderately equal in strength. I mean Phillip's father doesn’t look like he’s hurting for cash. So while the rest of this list is full of people who get Kingdoms one way or another; Aurora is the only one who gets TWO kingdoms by the end of her movie. Making her (as far as my completely unscientific scientific analysis goes) the clear winner.
Total assets: one kingdom, another kingdom, three phenomenally annoying fairies, and a gaping hole in the country’s ability to create its own thread.
So there you go guys!! A list that no one asked for, with no actual economic science behind it! Think I placed a Princess wrong?? Have questions about how Elsa's ability to create sentient life wasn't taken more seriously?? Ask in the comments down below, and check out my main site here for more thoughts we might have had.