ByElliot Lubet, writer at
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Elliot Lubet

Critters of Darkness

Fade in:

Outside near the Brown's Farm- Day

Ash, (Evil Dead) is unceremoniously spit out of a black hole. His car lands on

the Brown's farm, (Critters). He opens his Oldsmobile's door, falls out of door,

lays on the ground, looking around, wondering where he was.


Where the Hell am I now...a farm? Hope I am not in Kansas!

Ash uses his car door to pull himself off the ground, he hears a noise behind him,

he ducks just as his chainsaw goes flying by which takes out the car door.


Damn I am good! Sharp hearing, fast reflexes! Got my groove on!

Ash dances around stops, stands smiling, looking at car door on ground, broken by the

chainsaw, then several broomsticks and his pack flies straight for his back, knocks

him out. The black hole closes.

Inside Brown's farmhouse – Night

Ash laying in bed, waking up to a bad headache, noticing Mrs. Helen Brown putting a

cold rag on his forehead. Ash smiles, grabs her hands pulls her close to kiss her.

Mrs. Helen Brown

Helen pulls away. Straightens up, moves to window.

Hey fella, you are delirious! You are trying to make out with a married woman!


It's okay my sweet buttercup, I will take good care of you!

Ash looks around room quickly

See! no one is here, just you and me, and I don't kiss and tell!

Mrs. Helen Brown

But if you try to kiss me, I will tell! Then I would have to stitch you back together!

Just rest in bed for a few days and I'm sure you'll find some young girl to maul

when you head to town!


Smiling at the thought.

Really? That would be nice!

Ash look at Helen again drooling.

I'll feel really good if we could...just a quick one! Mrs. ?

Mrs. Helen Brown

Helen laughs, but stays away from bed. She looks out window,

Pg 2

My name is Mrs. Helen Brown. And you must be son Brad

told me all about you. We heard stories about your adventures...


Yes, Yes I am awesome at what I do! The thrills! The women!

Ash reaches for his bag, pulls out a handwritten journal, thumbs through it.

I wrote it all down, and one day it will be a steamy romance novel.

I have a publisher foaming at the mouth to get his hands on this!

Now that I'm in a real live town..Where's your phone?

Mrs. Helen Brown

She laughs again, looks out the window, sees a bright light in the sky,

the light heads closer toward her farm.

Oh look! a shooting star...quick make a wish!


Rolls over toward window, sees it, becomes worried, gets a sick feeling.

Make a wish? I wish I didn't have this sick feeling that something

bad is going to happen!

Mrs. Helen Brown

Oh now don't worry. It's just a star, now get some sleep, she walks around bed

quickly, slapping at his grabby hands. One manages to grab her butt!

She squeals, glares at him.


He smiles, sighs, lays back in bed.

Yeah! It was good for me too baby!

Ash falls asleep.

Faraway in space a meteor moves, look closer, on it has a space station, a large metal statue

of a Hawk, on the front door a sign that reads, Hawk's Haver. Silverhawks work there---- Night

Commander Stargazer

Commander Stargazer (from Silverhawks), constantly surveys the night skies, using his

telescopic enhance eye, and older equipment he rebuilt to help identify any threats coming.

A rogue ship was spotted heading to earth, with his mechanical eye, he sees the ship is

full of Crites. He calculates where it's going to land, reports the information to the

alien bounty hunters.

Commander Stargazer

Bounty Hunters Ug, Dug! This is Commander Stargazer, an unauthorized

rogue ship is heading toward Earth! I will send you the calculations of

where it will land. With closer inspection I have found the ship carries

Crites! Destroy ship and all its inhabitants! I have a stockpile of older

refurbished weapons that are just waiting to kill something. Stop by and

take some.

Pg 3

Bounty Hunters

Signals they received message, turns ship around, heads toward earth.

No thanks old man! We have the top of the line guns, designed

just for us! Keep your old man's toys!

Commander Stargazer

What old man!? No respect for the classic weaponry!? You young people

would not have your skills if it wasn't for “us old men” teaching you!..

Commander droned on and on...

Bounty Hunters

Bounty Hunters listened quietly for a few minutes, looked at each other, then shut off signal.

(need personalities of Bounty hunters & Stargazer in order to fix this part)

On the outskirts of town, close to Brown's Farm – Night


Alien ship crashes, sits silent for a moment, doors open, little porcupine-like critters

rolls out of ship, stops, shows their large face with sharp teeth, looks around, sees a

dead cow, rolls over to it, devours cow immediately. They hear a cow moo at Brown's

farm, they excitedly chatter then move toward the Brown's Farm.

In a field near the town bar -- Night

Bounty Hunters

Bounty hunter's ship lands behind clump of trees near bar, they turn on their earth culture TV's,

searching for a human face to replace the blank, faceless ones they have.


Ug chooses Slash, a rock star from Guns & Roses, Ug pushes button, green, large, square lenses

come around from the sides of his chair to cover his eye area, the transformation begins.


Dug sits watching comedy shows, he ignores what Ug is doing, Ug slams something

to get Dug's attention. At the command 'change' Dug chooses Paulie Shore, the green

lenses on his chair rotate over his eye area, and he changes.

Bounty Hunters

Bounty hunters get out, look around for a bit, then they

walk over to where the lite up bar sign glows. (What is Name of BAR?)

Bounty Hunters sees door and blasts it open, walks in.

(Need the jokes and sayings of their personalities)

when the body guard humorously tour through town an obligatory bar fight here. a car jacking.

Pg 4

Critters are closer to Brown's farm, but stops by a quarantined farm – Day


The critters roll by on a road toward Brown's farm, they spot a sign that says

“Quarantine, Mad Cow”, past sign is a pile of rotting cows that has been shot

due to mad cow disease. They squeal with delight, run toward cows, gorges

themselves, their eating turns into a frenzy. They start shaking, drooling, eyes

grow large, they turn on each other, eating each other killing off everyone in

their group in a matter of minutes. Some are splattered, land inside dead trees nearby.

Farmer of Quarantined Farm

Farmer comes back to pile of dead cows with cans of gasoline and a firestarter.

He stops and stares at the chewed up cows and dead critters. He shrugs, pours

gasoline all over the pile of mangled mess, when finished he lights them up with

the firestarter, watches the fire start, it barely starts due to a light wind.

Brown's Farm, Ash and Brown family sitting a breakfast table- Day


Ash, walks carefully to the kitchen table, sits his bag on chair, sits down, one by one the Brown's

introduces themselves, they sit down next to him. He waves, nods hi.

Jay Brown

Walks in, kisses his wife at the stove, pulls up chair next to Ash.

Hi, Ash, I'm Jay Brown the man of the house,


When my wife lets me!

Jay grabs a plate, fills it to the top, starts stuffing himself.

Brad Brown

Brad walks in fast, stops, stares at Ash, wonders what he's doing here, shrugs,

pulls out chair, sits, copies his father, filling his plate, stuffs face.

April Brown

Drags to table, waves at Ash, pulls out chair, plops down, plays with food, daydreaming

about her date tonight.

Mrs. Helen Brown

Kids don't be rude, introduce yourselves to Ash.

Brad Brown

Looks at Ash up and down, and mumbles

HI, I'm Brad.

Looks down at food, continues eating.

April Brown

Doesn't even look at Ash. Trying to ignore Ash who is staring at her.

I'm April. And quit staring at me, I'm not on the menu!

Pg 5

Mrs. Helen Brown

April honey, why aren't you eating?

Brad Brown

Because she has a hot date, and doesn't want to get fat!


April jumps up and chases Brad around the house. They knock over things, breaking them.

Mrs. Helen Brown

Get back here right now, you two! Finish your breakfast!

Brad and April

Brad and April return to table, still trying to punch, and kick each other, when no one is looking.


Ash stares at April, smooths his hair, flirts with her.

Hi sweet lady, what is your name? Do you have a boyfriend?

Mrs. Helen Brown

Helen Brown finishes the eggs, sets the hot skillet close to Ash's arm, almost burning

him. Pulls up chair, starts filling her plate, continues to glare at Ash.

She's not your type, and she's too young! Do you want your eggs



Ash cringes at the remark, but serves himself some eggs. Ash continues staring at April,

trying to get her attention. But April is oblivious to everything.

Mrs. Helen Brown

Helen takes a deep breath trying to calm down.

Well good morning everyone, did everyone sleep well?

I made a big breakfast for everyone. I hope you are all hungry!


April do you want to hear about some of my adventures? I have them all

written down in my journal, I'm gonna get it published and be famous,

Here I'll sign your blouse, and you'll be my first fan!


April slams her fork down, glowers at Ash, leaves table.


Watches April leave, laughs at her distress.

I bet there all fake stories about you, filled with fake monsters, and sexy women!


You got the sexy women part right! So you don't believe? Here look at this, It's

older than your grandma's panties you keep in your drawer.

Pg 6

Helen and Jake

Helen and Jake stop glaring at Ash, watches with interest the book he pulls out of his bag.


Ash removes the Necronomicon out of his backpack, pushes his plate away, sets it in

front of him. Pats it firmly.


When I was told to retrieve this, It was the beginning of all my adventures, and

trouble. The last time I opened it was to create a black hole to take me home, but it brought

me to you lovely people. This ol' gal acts just like a temperamental women, never really gives

you what you ask for!


There's a knock at the front door, Jake gets up, goes to front door, opens it.


Hi, Mr. Brown, I came to see if Brad can come out, I have something important to

tell him! You see I have to tell him that my teeth fillings are picking up CIA satellite

noises, and I can almost hear what they are saying, but it must be in another language!


Before Jake can say anything, Brad gets up, grabs Charlie pulls him to kitchen table,

makes him sit down. Brad signals Charlie to be quiet.


He picks up the book lovingly, toying with the straps, watching their reaction.

Ash slams down book hard. Glares and points at everyone.

I have to use the men's room, don't touch!

He leaves for the bathroom. Shuts door.

Charlie and Brown's Family

They watch him leave, wait til the door shuts. Brad grabs book looks

it over, tries to open. April grabs it, she tries to pry it open with her nails.

Helen grabs book, shakes head no, and hugs book. Jay walks near Charlie,

trips him, Charlie falls on Helen.

The book falls on the floor and opens! They all stop and stare at part of book

that reads 'Summon the dead'. Charlie rolls off Helen, gets on knees, crawls

closer to open book, reads silently the words on page.

Charlie and Brown's Family

They freeze in fear, the chanting from Charlie grows louder and faster as if

he's possessed! Room shakes, wind comes from the book like a tornado, blows around them,

the whole living room, blowing on people and furniture, getting stronger, then

wind blows out the windows, flies out the windows toward the dead cows, crites, and trees.


Hears chanting, feels shaking, runs out of bathroom, walks forward pushing

against the wind toward the kitchen. He watches the wind leave out the windows.

Then he sees the book slam shut and lock. He turned to the Brown's and yells at them!

Pg 7


What part of “Don't Touch” don't you understand!?


I...I...didn't touch it! It fell on ground and opened by itself!

When I looked at the page, weird words came out of my mouth!


Ash grabs Charlie and shakes him, glares at him, then growls at him.

What words exactly did you say?

Charlies scared, didn't know what to say, stutterers.


I don...don..don't know exactly! It was from the chapter called

“SSSummon the Dddead”


Oh is that all 'summon the dead'... there's nothing creepy out here,

just a bunch of dead cows, and dead people. A little zombie action

would be good to get my blood flowing!

Well, I have to get ready, for the impending doom of this already dead,

boring town! If you need me I'll be working on my car.

Ash grabs his book, shoves it into bag, leaves kitchen to go outside to his car,

carrying the book and his bag.

The Brown family is standing around, looking at each other, also at the messed up



Did he say zombies are coming?

Brad gets up, runs upstairs to his room, starts making bombs with supplies around the house.

Charlie gets up, straightens up his farmer clothes, follows Ash outside.


Hold on! My metal fillings are picking up signals from CIA satellites,

And I just read from that strange book of yours that just woke up dead

things, Maybe there is a connection. I want to help! Is there anything I

can do to help you? By the way my name is Charlie, and I'm really good

at fixing cars Mr. Ash.


Ash didn't answer, threw his bag in back, went to trunk, pulled out toolbox, handed it to Charlie.

Charlie helped him get car door back on, Charlie was talking all the time about his fillings,

and that he can make really cool bombs out of alcohol and rags.

Pg 8

Quarantine Farm – Afternoon


Farmer of Quarantine Farm, still waiting for the fire to burn higher, puts the last of the

gasoline on the dead pile to get the fire going, then a huge tornado like wind blows the

curse of the undead onto the pile of mangled critters, and cows.


The cursed, evil wind blows on their carcasses, they start shaking, lifting up, the mess of meat

and bones gets mixed into strange critters, Most of the half eaten ones attach themselves

to whatever bony meat was nearby, or attach to each other in strange bizarre ways.


Farmer of Quarantine Farm, sees wind come and blow out fire, gets blown toward the

critters who are changing, coming back to life. He freezes with fear at the gruesome site.

When he finally realizes he should run, it is too late, gets eaten by the critters.


The newly brought back from the dead Crites, blended with trees, so they are now

walking slowly toward where the Brown's cow is mooing loudly sensing danger is coming.

Meanwhile back at Brown's Farm – Night


He double checks to see if he has everything for battle, tells Charlie to get in

and uses his car to

crush a group of critters. Spins car around, starts shooting a few of them,

drops rifle, grabs a bunch of broomsticks that are sharpened on the edge,

gets out of car climbs to roof, throws many of them like spears.

The critters surround the car starts climbing on it. Ash uses extra broomsticks.

Ash and Charlie

They watch the Critters running away, being chased by the Bounty Hunters. Ash lays back

on his car roof, Charlie leans on Ash's car door. They smile, rest, saying nothing.

After a few minutes, Ash slides off this car, walks past Charlie, opens back door, grabs

bag, removes the Necronomicon, opens the chapter called “reversing curses”, starts

chanting loudly, clearly a strong windy tornado starts blowing in the distance, gets closer

to Ash and Charlie, blows around them, wind gets smaller, lands on book, Ash slams the

book shut and locks the straps.

Ash and Charlie

They breathe a sigh of relief , start laughing. Ash tosses book into car,

Ash and Charlie walk to a nearby broken booth, grabs two beer bottles out of a cooler.

Tall Man

Tall man is leaning near a tree, drinking a lemonade, watching Ash and Charlie,

He slowly moves toward Ash's car, while their backs are turned, Tall Man reaches

into the car, grabs the Necronomicon, puts it under his coat, and walks off singing.


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