ByPaul Donovan, writer at Creators.co
A jerk with an opinion. An explorer of transgressive cinema. See more things about movies at https:[email protected]_donovan
Paul Donovan

This sorcery-and-sandals epic is the first official box-office flop of the year. Good.

1. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of sugar-free candy. It looks good in the wrapper, but when you consume it, you realize it's bland, boring, and pointless, and you get a little mad at yourself for even trying it.

2. The movie might have been pretty cool - if it was made a decade ago, before two 300 movies, two Clash of the Titans movies and two Hercules movies. But this movie is just a tired retread. And while there were a couple of cool scenes, it has lots and lots of bad GGI and obvious green screens.

3. It's supposed to be set in Egypt. In real life, Egypt is considered part of the Middle East, and is inhabited by Middle Easterners, like Arabs. In the movie, Egypt is (once again) inhabited by white people with British or Australian accents. People of color are mostly servants.

4. Osiris. Horus. Set. Ra. These are the names of some famous gods in Egyptian mythology, which is a complicated set of stories and metaphors, and which served as the founding for several world religions.

But if you don't know the legends, don't worry. The movie doesn't know them either. It even changed the Riddle of the Sphinx.

5. The movie takes place in some alternate-reality Egypt, where the gods are tall people that bleed gold and who can activate beast mode. They live in some random desert city with pyramids, and they happen to have names of real Egyptian gods. One god, Osiris, is going to make his son Horus king. But Set shows up and kills Osiris and takes Horus's eyes. So Horus has to go on a quest to blah blah blah.

Horus is joined in his quest by a plucky human boy named Bek, who shows those gods a thing or two about courage and sacrifice. And riddles.

6. One of the silliest parts of the movie is when we meet Ra, an old man who lives on a space boat that floats on a space river. He tows the sun behind him on a chain across the Earth... which is flat.

7. About an hour into the movie, Bek is tired of all the trouble, and he says "This is becoming unacceptable." That should have been the tag line on the poster.

8. I'm super disappointed in director Alex Proyas. He has made some great films (The Crow, Dark City, I, Robot). I don't know what inspired him to do this film. I'm going to pretend he got some rare disease that forced him to make some bad choices. Man, I really hope he's cured now.

9. The only god that rules here is the God of Stupidity. The script is so amateur, it has to rely repeatedly on literal deus ex machina devices to move the plot along. With it's silliness, bad acting, and complete disregard for reality, this movie should be buried in the sand and forgotten.

Trailer:

What do you think? An action-packed epic, or a waste of time? Let us know!

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