ByTyler Robertson, writer at
Lover of movies and anything else that entertains. I was a C student in high school, so here I am.
Tyler Robertson

"Gods of Egypt" is set in the ancient times of the Egyptian Empire and it's about god of darkness who takes over the throne of the kingdom and now its up to a mortal human and another god to team up and overthrow the god of darkness while also trying to save the mortal hero's love interest. This movie is directed by Alex Proyas and it stars Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gerald Butler, Brenton Thwaites, Chadwick Boseman, Elodie Yung, and Courtney Eaton.

To kick things off, let's ask this simple question: Who actually thought this movie was going to be good based off of the trailers? Is there anyone who actually though this movie was going to ascend beyond the levels of a CGI shitfest into a good, fun movie? For the few of you who thought that, no this movie isn't as good as you want it to be. Sure, I can talk about the fact that this movie has cocaine white actors playing Egyptian characters, but the blatant whitewashing isn't even the beginning of this movie's problems.

As far as acting goes, it's about as serviceable as you can get when you have actors who are being surrounded by nothing but a green screen and computer monitors. Through no fault of the actors, the acting is very wooden and a lot of the line-reading makes the actors look as if they're obviously reading off screen cue cards. The only performance in this movie that doesn't manage to put you to sleep is that of Gerald Butler and his cheesy, over-the-top performance. Butler is hamming it up entirely and it's probably because the director was waving Butler's paycheck off camera. Butler doesn't care, he has "London Has Fallen" coming out next week and as bad as that movie looks, I can guarantee with a 99% certainty that it won't be as horrible as this movie.

In terms of how this movie looks, there's maybe two or three wide landscape shots of the Egyptian kingdom that don't look too bad, but virtually every other effect in this movie is poorly rendered CGI that either looks like it's ripped straight from a video game, or poorly done stop-motion. No joke, there's one scene in particular involving scorpions that legitimately looks like an amateur film students piss poor attempt at paying homage to Ray Harryhausen. Even worse, the terrible effects take up most of the screen during the action scenes and you're left with scenes that make your eyes hurt from special effects overload. God awful effects are thrown at you from every possible angle and you eventually start to wonder if Michael Bay had any involvement in this movie. He's the only director I can think of that makes action scenes that actually hurt to watch, but I guess Alex Proyas is taking a page out of his book.

Then there comes a point in this movie where things get so over-the-top and ridiculous that you wonder how this movie's script even got approved. I'll try my best not to spoil parts in this movie, but I'll say this: There's eventually a part where this movie becomes "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen". It's set in Egypt, there's shitty action and CGI everywhere, and giants are fighting each other in a battle where you have no emotional investment in anything that's going on; it's so laughably bad and painful to watch. Some of this stuff could be easily excused if this was one of those self aware, intentional B-movies that don't expect you to take it seriously, but this movie tries to play itself off as an ancient epic that'll pave the way for future swords and sandals movies and it fails in every imaginable aspect.

"Gods of Egypt" is every bit as bad as we all expected it to be. The acting is either wooden or overacted, the effects are terrible, the action is painful to watch, it's too over-the-top to take seriously, and the writing is just sloppy in terms of dialogue, story, and just basic screenwriting 101. I already know of some people who found this movie to be entertaining in a "so bad it's good" type of way and good for those people. I personally can't find any entertainment in this movie and for that I will absolutely advise against anyone seeing it.

Rating: Fuck You!


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