Welcome to our installment of Who Would They Play? This is a game show where we take a group of people and match them up with who we think they would play in a movie/TV show. Today's group of contestants are the one, the only: 2016 presidential candidates! In the Red corner we have the youngest presidential candidate, running at the age of 8 years old, Marco Rubio, bankrupt-business owner Donald J. Trump, and Canadian born Ted Cruz. In the Blue corner we have the flip-floppity pancake Hilary Clinton, and reformed Scrooge McDuck Bernie Sanders (the host really likes one of these candidates, so far as to get a tattoo of said candidate on his shoulder, bonus points if you can guess which candidate).
First up from the Red corner we have:
Marco Rubio - Alan Hunley
Marco Rubio has the swagger to sufficiently embody Alan Hunley from Mission Impossible. They're both political and stick to their beliefs, even when it means lying to stand up for what they believe in. Imagine Rubio standing next to Cruise, instead of Cruz!
Next from the Blue corner we have:
Hilary Clinton - Talia al Ghul
*It's been over two years which means the spoiler rule is over, unless you're a comic book fan and already know this forthcoming information.*
Talia al Ghul is an unknown antagonist, along side Bane, in The Dark Knight Rises. Inevitably she turns on Batman and actually stabs him in the back. Aside from the fact she stabs Batman, symbolism for one of the ways Hilary will destroy America, her life was once saved by Bane, Bane had her back. One of Hilary's Wall Street Fundraiser events was hosted by the managing director of BAIN (play on words) Capital's private equity sector Jonathan Lavine. So Hilary has Bain (haha) in her corner.
Our third contestant comes to us from the Red corner:
Ted Cruz - Kevin
I was going to say The Zodiac Killer from those two crappy movies about that, but I figured it was too easy. Ted Cruz is Kevin from The Office. Hold on to your horses, this video killed me.
Our final guest from the Red corner:
Donald J. Trump - Donald J. Trump
The only person who could play Donald J. Trump is Donald J. Trump. Who could forget the one awkward scene in Home Alone 2 where an obviously lost boy, asks an ADULT for directions...instead of helping this young boy he merely points him in a certain direction and walks away. What a dick. My original pick for Trump was Judas from The Passion of the Christ.
Our final contestant hails from the Blue corner:
Bernie Sanders - Severus Snape
Who better than to play the tragic hero of Severus Snape? A man whose ideas seem radical, who can command a room with his voice, who can be the voice of a generation. The role Severus Snape has played in the lives of many of my dear friends, is a role similar to that of Sen. Bernie Sanders. They both have similar agendas: Bernie is open with his agenda, he wants to save America, while Snape is secret with his agenda of wanting to protect Harry at all costs. Severus appears evil to many people, but he is honored by those who know his goal. This pursuit ends up costing Severus his life, and you can bet damn well Bernie will be doing everything he can to make America great again, until his final breath.
Who will be up next in the Who Would They Play series? Stay tuned to find out. Thanks folks, and don't forget have your pets spayed and neutered.