HERE'S TAJI, Back again with another post that i know you'll love (Please love it...PLEASE). This time I'm bringing you a top ten list of films you either should see or can only bare to see under the influence of something. Now I am not saying that I endorse drugs or alcohol but I do know that people do partake in both. With that being said...LET'S GET READY TO STUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!! (Or you know whatever).
10. Dragonball: Evolution
This is where I decided to start off, this monstrosity of a film (Ughhhhh). I would say staring Justin Chatwin, but there are no stars here... except James Marsters (You my boy Spike). I know, I know it sounds weird, "Why would he bash this film considering that he put it on his list," but remember what i said earlier?
"I'm bringing you a top ten list of films you either should see or can only bare to see under the influence of something."
This "film" is absolutely abysmal, I mean this thing has almost no redeeming qualities and this is the absolute ONLY reason you should watch it . It's like a smelly fart, you know it stinks, however you find yourself continuously smelling it until you like it. I would say you can kick back a few brewskis, change the genre in your mind from whatever it is (Action, Sci-Fi) to a comedic spoof and enjoy as this film goes over "9000" (You my boy Vegeta). My favorite comedic scene is where our hero, Son Geeko (he ain't Goku), goes to a party and unleashes his chi/airbending enhanced abilities on his tormentors. The change in genre switches it from a big steaming pile of Mr. Popo poo poo to OH MY SUPER SAIYAN GOD this was hilarious, but only if you take my advice.
9. Transformers (Any of them honestly)
Ok so I said any of them for one reason, THEY ARE DAMN NEAR ALL THE SAME FILM. I know there is that one guy that would beg to differ, but allow me to elaborate on this concept.
Transformers films checklist
1.Half Naked Women (Not Complaining)
2. Product placement
3. Racial Undertones (Im Talking to you Mudflap and Skids)
4. Someone screaming for either Optimus or Bumblebee
5. The Government's distrusting of the group that saves them every film (EVERY F#@KING FILM)
There are so many more things to look out for, and to be honest that's why watching this film creates the perfect shots drinking game. Picture having to take a swig or shot for every American flag you see (there were 10 in the 3 minute commercial for, Age of Extinction). I deplore you from drinking to the plethora of explosions though, I am not responsible for your alcohol poisoning.
8. Afro Samurai
This for me is hard to put this at my number 8, THIS MOVIE IS MY JAM ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS. Visually the artwork is top notch, its beautifully illustrated and gives each character their own distinct appearance. It features and amazing array of voice actors from the likes of Ron Pearlman (Hellboy) to Lucy Liu (Kill Bill, Elementary), and with top billing, Mr. Samuel L. Jackson who plays both the titular character of Afro Samurai as well as his road dog/ subconscious/ demigod Ninja Ninja.
I loaned both Afro Samurai and its sequel Resurrection to my friends who have been known to dabble in healing herbs (ask people in Colorado) . The reactions I received were unreal, with comments ranging from, "OH SHIT BRO HE CUT A BULLET" to "OH SHIT BRO... HE CUT A BULLET." (They were really into the film)
I decided to include the bridge massacre from the sequel, Resurrection... You're welcome America!!!
7. Soul Plane
Allow me to be serious for one moment here, this film is similar to Dragonball: Evolution in the fact that it is almost unwatchable. The writing is garbage the jokes never land, and it stands to continue to set black people back decades. This film is pure low class, but this is why it is a perfect flick to watch on something besides BET. I unfortunately have watched this film so many times while drinking wine (Im fancy yall), and sadly to say I have never laughed so hard in my life. Please understand that the laugher does not come from this shit itself, it comes from the commentary involving you and your friends who I am sure with out doubt will make this movie side splitting. This film is the direct paradox of playing UNO (you know you've made your bestie draw four), in the idea that it brings everyone together.
Side Note- Mo'Nique went on to win an Academy Award after this... Yup
Side Side Note- She really did deserve it for, Precious
Side Side Side Note- Precious, is depressing as all hell
Oddly enough as I sit here and write this I decided to flip through the channels and guess what was on...
Did you guess...
Thats right folks, Airplane happened to be on, STARZ, ( The tv gods decided to bless us). This film really is perfect to watch sober, but theres something about it that when combined with a nice chilled glass of German Riesling (Told you I was fancy). Airplane is an absolutely amazing spoof film (#1 greatest comedy of all time to be exact), full of visual humor accompanied with slapstick. The closing scene where, Otto the inflatable pilot, flies off with the plane after inflating a female companion is an amazing scene no matter your blood alcohol level.
5. Kill Bill or Django Unchained
Either film will work for this one, I say this because you will only be watching it for the gore factor. I would prefer you to watch Kill Bill for the simple fact that there are samurai swords. Django Unchained is amazing film, however the long pauses in between the action brings this film down a peg in my book. Kill Bill is a film that today still seems to be ahead of its time, it combined anime style back stories, film noir, and dark humor in a way that possibly still hasn't been replicated.
I don't think Kill Bill goes hand and hand with drinking, this visual masterpiece is best viewed on a grassy type of supplement. The type that makes you resemble Towelie from South Park.
4. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
We are living in the age of superhero films, in 2016 alone we have six which are all building toward the future of the respective franchises. Of all superhero films as far as stories go we have 2 that are possibly above the rest. Those films are The Dark Knight and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. The Dark Knight is an amazing film but there is a reason I chose Cap 2 to get my focus. This film centers on a major conspiracy involving S.H.I.E.L.D, it is as much a psychological thriller as it is an amazing superhero film. This is a film best viewed on the green machine, the mental parts of this film will cause you to look around and doubt all those in your life... you may even pull something like this.
3. Mad Max
Fury Road is one giant acid trip... no clever name for it, it is simply one gigantic face melting good time. I have never done acid but based off the premise and some of the scenes in this film you are bound to lose your shit. I assume the green hulk bush will help you get there also but understand, someone was probably on shrooms thinking this up (George Miller I love You), and you might need to do it also to get where the film is coming from.
Any scene involving the Doof Warrior (guitarist) is perhaps the greatest scene of all time, a blind guitarist that plays a moving concert with a flame spewing guitar in the middle of the desert while wearing pajamas... OSCAR WORTHY ALL DAY.
I could just add these all day...
Ok I am done now...
I have openly quoted this film in bars to complete strangers, please understand that this is one of those films that will make you bust a gut no mater what.
You can watch and thoroughly enjoy everything this film has to offer while sober, cooked, or plastered. Steve Carell is a scene stealer in this satirical comedy centered around 4 friends who make up the San Diego news team, you will be drawn in purely from his love of lamp and would gladly accompany him on a trip to the "toilet store." This film also includes another familiar face in Paul Rudd, who is amazing as the lovable playboy Brian Fantana. Will Ferrell rounds out a comedic film powerhouse as the lead anchor and protagonist , Ron Burgundy. This film will make you laugh until you cry and have to lock yourself in a glass case of emotions. In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy, " San Diego, which of course in German means ‘a whale’s vagina.'"
1. Batman and Robin
Oh come on, you didn't see this coming? Mr. Freeze was the cover photo for this post. This film is laughable because in 1997 Joel Schumacher probably thought he had created a revolutionary new Batman, possibly on par with The Dark Knight. My god this movie is hilarious in the fact that you knew it was supposed to be taken seriously. I saved all I had for this entry, I want to focus on a crucial plot point that makes ZERO sense unless you are drunk out of your mind. Poison Ivy decides to work with Mr. Freeze in order to bring Gotham to a new ice age (Ok),I know that partnerships in a Batman film aren't weird at all but understand this... PLANTS CANT SURVIVE IN EXTREME DEGREES OF COLD. Poison Ivy vowed to, "establish botanical supremacy all over the world," but she would willingly let them all die to help Freeze cover Gotham in ice. It makes no sense but it is funny to drink too, this film is bat ridden with plot holes as well as horrid dialogue. What I plan on showing you is perhaps my favorite reason to watch this film...
BAT NIPPLES, as well as random shots of the bat members buttocks and crotches. I found that a fantastic drinking game involving this film is to spot random bat themed products (bat credit cards, bat phone, bat computers), prolonged shots of costumed body parts, a Bane grunt, George Clooney stupid faces or my favorite... ICE PHRASES.
Thats 3 shots right there to get you going so...