ByRoAnna Sylver, writer at Creators.co
Verified Creator. Author of Chameleon Moon, Stake Sauce, and Really Geeky Star Trek Articles. Open Your Eyes, Look Up To The Skies, And See!
RoAnna Sylver

It's just human nature. We have the deeply ingrained desire to place ourselves next to our favorite characters in their stories, imagine the conversations we'd have, the adventures we'd go on... and sometimes, if we'd win in a fight. We like to think we could go head-to-head with our favorite (or maybe most hated?) heroes and villains, and fandom has been exploring these possibilities since the dawn of... the internet, anyway. (But go back millennia. You know there was some guy who was like "I could totally take Hercules in a fight!" and wrote an epic poem or two. We never really change.)

For some TV shows, this is more fun to imagine than others. Especially one like Disney's Gargoyles, which was likely one of the best animated series ever (fine, I'm biased, and that's why I write these articles). Here we have a dark and fantastic world filled with both magic and futuristic technology, where fighting pretty much any member of the main cast would be a Spectacularly Bad Idea, though hilarious to contemplate... and let me tell you why.

Goliath:

Starting out big, huh? You have seen an episode, right? Great, pick a fight with Huge Incredibly Powerful Winged Warrior, Defender of Routinely Ungrateful Humanity, this couldn't possibly go wrong. However, even if he could absolutely kill you with his pinkie finger, he probably wouldn't actually hurt you, assuming you're not packing serious weapons/body armor or pose a threat to his clan. Definitely wouldn't unless you pushed him there - following gargoyle traditions, he's all about defending the castle, not attacking humans whose life motto is apparently 'Welcome To Dumbass.' Goliath has a very strong personal code of honor (reminds me a lot of a noble knight - the other Dark Knight?), and he doesn't hurt squishy, weak, unbelievably foolish humans.

Also, he wouldn't have to. He's Goliath. One roar and you would require new pants.

Elisa Maza:

Well, she's human at least, so you have a significantly evened playing field here. But she also holds her own with an entire cast of enormous, super-strong, flying, mythological humanoid nocturnal inhuman beings and all manner of other ridiculousness, both magical and sci-fi crap like freaking robots and time travel - which I doubt could be said for any of us.

Elisa Freaking Maza is also a dedicated Actually Good Cop, and can incapacitate seasoned criminals and the Gargoyles rogues gallery (all of whom are probably tougher than you) with punches, kicks, tackles, and as a last resort, Responsible Gun Use. Your odds of coming out on top here are very unlikely. She's also probably smarter than you, and braver, and... prettier, and... anyway! Don't fight Elisa, moving on.

Brooklyn:

Doesn't really want to fight you, would much rather avoid the actual violence while deflecting with sarcastic quips. Basically it'd be like trying to fight Peter!Spiderman, with less web, more beak, but about the same amount of teenage angst. (For now at least. Give him... time.) Of course if you did get him going - say, if you drop the name 'Demona' - given that one reason Goliath picked him as his Second is that he turns out to be pretty good at battle strategy.

So even if you did manage to be a physical/aerial match for him (unlikely, because I mean, gargoyle), he could probably figure out a way to take you down with minimal bother. Like the rest of his clan, he's a decent guy so he wouldn't hurt you unless you gave him no other choice... but he wouldn't mind embarrassing the hell out of you. Leaving you hanging upside down with no pants for the police (hey, Elisa!) to find or something. Ha. Serves you right.

Broadway:

I had to say it eventually: for shame. I mean, everyone in the Manhattan Clan are good guys, but specifically WHY in the world would you fight Broadway? What is wrong with you. What in the world did this sweet and decent gargoyle ever do to you? Broadway literally just wants to hang out and have fun times with the people he loves, cook and eat good things, pet kitty cats - and later, read good things. Like, much? You'd have a pretty hard time getting him mad too... honestly, he probably wouldn't actually fight you at first, because come on, a tiny weak human flailing at him for some reason? He'd probably do the thing where you put your hand on the person's forehead and keep them at arm's length and let them wear themselves out for like ten minutes. Then give you a delicious home-baked cookie and let you think about what you did and if you really want to keep being a douche.

(Of course, that's if you were just like 'HEY FIGHT ME!' out of nowhere. Bring a gun into the equation... and things get Vastly Different, very fast. All of these well-written people have Dimensions and Issues, and that would be one of his big ones. We've seen that Broadway can actually be terrifying - and that is AWESOME. Pull a gun, threaten his clan... and watch the sweetie transform into full-out, badass Defender of the Night to a frightening extent. Nice. Also, bye.)

Lexington:

Thought you'd be safe going after the cute little green one, huh? MISTAKE. Lex is so small because he's pure condensed fury. Out of the entire Manhattan Clan, he'll probably mess you up THE WORST. Especially if you're at all involved with the Pack, or have betrayed (that would be his Berserk Button) him in any way. When this happens, he's Tiny Green Anger Tornado Incarnate, and also very quick, slippery and tricky. Good luck actually getting your hands on him, he'll zip around you in 2 seconds and like... done.

And that's going mano-a-mano, from a distance he could probably remote-pilot a freakin' missile at you, precision-shoot you with a custom LASER, come at you with a home-built helicopter, or maybe empty out all your online bank accounts and put your name on a million FBI hit-lists if he's feeling extra spicy... just don't mess with Lex, okay? Okay.

Hudson:

Well, everyone's entry on this list should just say "um, don't fight them, they're a gargoyle," and Hudson obviously is a seasoned warrior of a gargoyle... who also has a sword. Like Goliath, he really doesn't WANT to kick your comparatively fragile human ass - but unlike Goliath, Hudson will. With the object of teaching you a lesson.

Please imagine a very old-school Grandpa-style can of whoop-ass, but like, taken up to 11 and made the stuff of nightmares because Grandpa is now a huge, armored, winged humanoid of the night with glowing eyes and stone-piercing claws, bellowing something about how "YOUNG'INS THESE DAYS ARE GONNA LEARN SOME RESPECT!" while beating your ass with the flat of an antique Scottish sword blade. This is a kind of surreal and frankly embarrassing round you will not soon forget.

Demona:

Holy freaking bananas, puny human. You're so unbelievably screwed, that you have no idea how screwed you are. Demona has detested humans with a murderous fervor for over a thousand years, to an unbelievable, soul-twisting extent. She basically probably could have sustained herself on sheer LOATHING alone, even without a magic spell - and all of that hate has led up to YOU. Lucky, lucky you.

Just... start running right now, and pray for the dawn. I mean, she'll definitely catch you, and you'll still die in 12 different slow, painful ways, but run anyway. Maybe you can delay it for like 5 seconds.

Angela:

On the other hand, I don't think Angela really hates anybody. But she loves her clan, and she'll heck you up nice and good if you mess with them. But unlike her mom, she'll do it non-lethally. Probably toss you in the dumpster like the trash you are if you actually throw the first punch at a sweetie like Angela.

Also, don't call her Angie.

Owen Burnett:

... Uh, this would not go as expected, and that's all for this entry, because some people still haven't seen every episode, and some things are best left wonderful surprises! But if you know, go ahead and use your imagination. Fun, right? Well, not for you, probably, but for anyone watching... yeah, we sure do love a battle hearty...

And finally, the man with a (million) plan(s) I know you've been waiting for...

David Xanatos:

Woah, what's this? He goes down in one blow! That's unexpected. And kind of anticlimactic, honestly.

Weird. In a fight, you'd expect him to win (after all, doesn't Xanatos always win? Is that not kind of his deal?) or at least be tougher. He's pretty strong, fast, expertly trained, even without his fancy gadgets and flying armor suits he's pretty formidable...

But oh, that was just the setup. Now the real fight begins.

He proceeds to DESTROY your reputation in the media, using the footage of you mercilessly kicking the crap out of him as evidence. He drags you through a lengthy court case - not in person, of course, he's got stuff to do, and a gaggle of lawyers at his disposal. Owen obliterates you as the deadpan prosecution. Million-dollar smear campaign. Say hello to your dumb face on freaking USA Today. Xanatos (bravely reporting in from his hospital suite) has an exclusive photo of you stepping on puppies while farting on the Shroud of Turin. Photoshop? Pfff. Who cares if it's real? The damage is done.

(He'll probably use this opportunity to announce a new charity or philanthropy project or something. "Let's save some whales, people love that, right Owen?" "Indeed, sir.")

Overnight, you're the most hated person in the world, thanks to modern technology... and he's a media-darling saint for being so brave through his terrible ordeal. After you're penniless and a friendless pariah, he's magnanimous enough to offer you a job: front-desk receptionist and greeter at Xanatos Enterprises.

Just take it. He's won. Yes, it's true... Xanatos always wins.

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