BySam Plank, writer at
"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t
Sam Plank

After watching Friends every night before bed for pretty much the last 10 years with the wifey, inevitably, I got to thinking; which stars of that show would last the longest in a zombie apocalypse, and who would bite it?

My first thought, of course, is all 6 of them are really kinda big wussies. But I decided to give them all a chance, and break them down. You have brains, a little (tiiiiny) bit of brawn, nipples, comedic relief, nipples, OCD, and the space cadet. And some more nipples. Who would survive a zombie invasion? Let’s take a look at our 6 Friends. Maybe even draw upon the survivors from The Walking Dead to help figure out who lives and dies.


For the most part, he’s the Eugene of the group. He’s all brains and no brawn, pretty much. Rachel does at one point ask him if he’s been working out while they’re watching their accidental sex tape, but other than that, he really would have to rely on his brains to get him out of certain situations. Knowledge of dinosaurs really wouldn’t help too much, but maybe his brains would be able to figure other non-dinosaur related stuff out.

His love for Rachel would possibly bring out the Glenn in him, too. Can you imagine Ross duct-taped to a chair, knowing that The Governor is making Rachel take her top off in the next room? I can totally see Ross going berserk and stabbing a walker with his broken chair piece to get back to Rachel.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t call her Emily when they reunite. Awkwarrrrrrrrd.

Status: I think he’ll do just fine until Rachel bites it, so I’m saying dead by season 4. Probably go out in a blaze of glory, screaming “THIS IS FOR RACHEL!!!!!”


The only reason Rachel would survive would be Ross, and boy, that’s not looking too good. But, you never know…Beth came through in some pretty sticky situations and saved some folks. The main dude she saved was Noah, but…um…well yeah.

I can see Rachel making it to maybe season 2 or 3, but ending up doing something crazy like stabbing a psychotic cop with scissors and getting her brains blown out, when all she had to do was step aside and be all “Hey Daryl, hun…kill this crazy cop lady for me, would ya?”

Status: deceased by season 3


This is the lady that will outlast all of our other Friends. If you can survive a pimp spitting in your mouth, and the ensuing hepatitis, being homeless and living in a burned out Buick LeSabre, your mom killing herself, and your dad going to prison, both when you’re young, then you can survive freakin zombies! Hell, a zombie might bite her and end up dying of confusion itself.

I bet she’d totally have a smelly cat as a pet, too.

Status: survives it all right up till when cure is found, because zombies are her bitches!


Probably our weakest male of the crew, he relies on his razor sharp wit, but he’s gonna need a razor sharp knife or sword to survive this world. Zombies don’t laugh, even if Chanandler Bong is whipping out the jokes right up to the very end. No, he’s going to have to get tough, and let’s face it. The man’s father is played by Kathleen Turner. He wasn’t exactly raised with the survival instinct he’s going to need to survive this wasteland. If it was a show and not real life, they producers might keep him around a couple seasons for comedic relief, BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE, PEOPLE! Even though…um…I mention seasons.

Status: The end of season 1, tops


You’d think she would bite the dust as fast as her hubby Chandler, but the woman hates germs, and can cook! Besides toilet paper and doctors, one thing the post-apocalyptic world is gonna need is cooks. Think of how Daryl would protect her, the way she can cook up a squirrel. And her possum would be to die for! And her hatred of all things germy would mean she could clean up a bite wound in a snap. Just grab some sani-wipes from her cleaning belt, and if it’s too late for that, a disinfected knife would do the trick, cutting off that infected appendage.

Status: I’m calling it; she’s gonna make it at least as long as Phoebe


This one is a tough call. He’s not a healthy eater (spaghetti on the floor? In a zombie apocalypse? Hellooooo!). He’s pretty manly, but bagging hot babes won’t help you survive the end of the world. You still have to worry about the clap and stuff and things.

But the one thing Joey is, is pretty damn dumb. And gullible. And an actor. What does that mean? You tell the guy he’s in a TV show, and he has to survive, because that’s what the script says. You know how devoted he is to his acting roles!

Status: how’s he doin’? He’s goin’ all the way, baby!

Bonus Hero:


Even though all our Friends have continuously left him out of their life, no matter how many times he was there for them, coffee in hand, his undying, creepy loyalty (and love for Rachel), will allow him to finally come through in a jam. Maybe he’ll blow up a compound full of cannibals? Run a tank over a bad guy with an eyepatch? Whatever he does, this time, the magnificent six will still probably say thanks, and just walk away, and STILL not let him in their circle.

Freakin jerks.

Wattaya think? Go here to this open list and let it fly which Friend you think would last the longest in the zompocalypse, and why! This could get really goooood!


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