A few days ago, on the rare yet always-expected Leap Day, I wrote a happy birthday article for everyone's favorite red cape; Superman! Rather than celebrate his best, I decided to focus on good ol' Clark Kent's worst—specifically his worst super powers.
Unsurprisingly, Superman has a LOT of crappy powers, from making tiny versions of himself out of nowhere to weaving a wedding gown really, really fast. But yesterday, whilst I was enjoying my Sunday afternoon on my beachfront Hawaiian property, on my personal uninhabited tropical island, a thought occurred to me.
"I need more pineapple juice," I thought. And as I walked into my beautiful post-modern home and opened my walk-in refrigerator, I had another thought. Why only talk about the worse parts of Superman? Sure, it was his birthday, but why not continue this "worst things about our favorite heroes" series by talking about another iconic superhero. And once I looked at my calendar and reminded myself why the 25th was circled over at least eight times, I knew exactly which hero I was talking about next!
That's right, the Caped Crusader himself! Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice is almost out, and since I showcased all of Superman's worst powers, I thought I should mention his opponent's (and the battle's clear victor) as well!
So let's get straight into it, here are 10 of Batman's WORST gadgets ever! And don't worry, they aren't all from the George Clooney Batman movie. But rest assured, we will be venturing through some particularly frightening parts of Bats history.
10. The Batpoon!
Let's start with a gadget that is both ridiculously impractical, and just straight up ridiculous; the Batpoon. Now that you're presumably done giggling, the "Batpoon" is just a mini-harpoon gun, owned by Batman.
Really, it doesn't do anything that your standard mini harpoon wouldn't do. It just so happens to be in the possession of a superhero/billionaire playboy. Not only is it just a mini-harpoon gun, but Batman really has no need for it. Unless he's fighting Aquaman of course.
But perhaps there is some importance to this unfortunately named gadget. After all, it was apparently important enough for Robin to get his very own Batpoon for his birthday. Stop laughing, we are all adults here! It's pretty funny though.
9. A Mask Made of Glass!
Batman at his very core is a master detective. He isn't just about beating the crap out of bad guys until they'll never walk again. Sometimes, Batman will use his incredible problem-solving skills to figure out the best way to take down an enemy. This is one of those times. Sort of...kinda...not really.
During a run-in with the nefarious Mirror-Man, a villain with a mirror that could reveal the true identity of whoever looked into it, Batman came up with his most dangerous gadget of all time. Well, dangerous to himself at least.
Gluing together several sharp and jagged shards of glass, Batman created a mirror mask to combat Mirror-Man's special mirror. It sounds smart at first, until you realize that Batman has literally covered his face with shards of extremely pointy GLASS! This is a guy who goes out every night and gets into extremely reckless fights. Wearing glass as a full-face accessory is not a smart thing to do when you're a crime-fighter! In fact, I really wouldn't recommend it for anybody...
8. The Freeze Blast Grenade!
The Batman: Arkham games are considered to be the best Batman games ever made, and it's easy to see why. They stuck to the mythology of the Batman comics more than any other Batman game ever has.
They have tons of comic book references, an amazing combat system, and a plethora of awesome gadgets. To top it all off, there was a ton of amazing chemistry between Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill, the original voice actors for Batman and The Joker respectively! Yes, the Arkham games were incredible and perfectly adapted every aspect of the Caped Crusader. Even the really ridiculous aspects.
Fans of the Arkham Games probably recognize the "Freeze Blast Grenade", the cool Batman gadget that lets you freeze and temporarily incapacitate your enemies. Sounds like a pretty awesome gadget right? Well yes, until you realize that that whole "incapacitate your enemies" is total hogwash.
First off, it's a commonly known fact that freezing temperatures can cause hypothermia and loss of limbs, so throwing a ice grenade at someone's arm is almost certainly going to cause them lose said arm and possibly die. So maybe Batman just somehow invented freezing cold ice that didn't cause hypothermia? Well this is comics (er...a games based on comics), so I'd be willing to believe that. If it weren't for the fact that Batman didn't technically invent the Freeze Blast Grenade, Mr. Freeze did.
Mr. Freeze is a villain. Albeit, he's one with an arguably justifiable reason for his villainy, but a criminal nonetheless. A criminal that has murdered countless people, so I'm pretty sure that those grenades Batman is carrying around aren't mean to just "incapacitate" his enemies...whether he knows it or not. speaking of Batman mercilessly killing people:
7. The Bomb Batarang!
Now, all of the batarangs in the "Famed Batarang" collection are pretty ridiculous, but for the sake of time, I'll only talk about one; the "Bomb Batarang". This particular batarang is just really infuriating to look at for a number of reasons.
Reason Number 1: Batman is supposed to have a no-kill rule. Granted, he's killed before, but usually only when absolutely necessary. I honestly can't see when a batarang with a pound of explosives tied to it would ever be necessary, or when it wouldn't result it a lot of collateral damage and civilian casualties.
Reason Number 2: I hope Batman doesn't expect to get much distance when throwing that thing. Seeing as how there's a chunk of TNT connected to it, I hardly doubt that Batman will be able to throw that 'rang very far. This just means that Batman has to chuck it as far as he possibly can and run quickly in the other direction, which is a hilarious thing to think about.
Reason Number 3: WHY IS HE CARRYING AROUND EXPLOSIVES IN HIS BELT? DOES HE HAVE A DEATH WISH?! It's just like the Mirror-Mask thing, Batman really needs to stop going out to fight crime whilst carrying around very dangerous items close to his body.
6. A Napalm Capsule! A NAPALM CAPSULE?
A. NAPALM. CAPSULE.
Does Batman not bumped into at all while fighting crime. Because I've read quite a lot of Batman comics in my day, and while I've never actually looked for Bat-shoving, I'm positive there was a ton of it going on.
Which makes it extremely hard to believe that Batman, the "world's greatest detective", would actually carry around a capsule full of a highly explosive and easily set off component! The napalm capsule first showed up in Batman Returns, and presumably never again because somebody told Batman that he was basically carrying around an extreme version of the "Kick Me" sign.
5. Bat-Ice Skates!
Well, here it is, a gadget from the universally panned Batman and Robin. Admittedly, this isn't the worst gadget in the movie, and it's one of the more practical.
With Mr. Freeze being the main villain this time around, it would make sense for Batman to have a pair of shoes that will stop him from slipping on Freeze's icy floors.
So are the Bat-Ice Skates useful? Yes, but it doesn't hide the fact that they are just plain ridiculous and actually useless every other day of the year. Plus, like his mini-harpoon gun, the "Bat-Ice Skates" are really just ice skates, and he should have just bough a pair for cheap instead of spending his Wayne Enterprises money on Batman trademarked ice skated. Just sayin'.
4. Bat-Female Villain Repellent...
I'm not even going to pretend to know the context behind this. All I know is that this is apparently from some DC Comics event involving other worlds (like most of them) and this Batman is an other world Batman. Maybe, I'm not sure.
But whether or not this is an alternate Bruce Wayne or not doesn't really matter, because carrying around "Bat-Female Villain Repellent" makes no sense on any Earth!
I mean, what is even in that repellent? Axe body spray?! That...that was my attempt at a joke. Ahem, it's pretty late here so...Oh look! Batman's carrying around female villain repel- No? You're over it? Yeah okay, let's move on.
3. The Batarang X!
Firstly, I just want to point out that the picture above presents reason numero 4 why having a bunch of batarangs with bombs attached to them is a bad idea— if a bad guy nabs them, you've basically made his day.
Anyway, that gigantic red hang-glider-like object at Batman's disposal is the infamous Batarang X! It's essentially a large batarang that Batman doesn't like to use because it's, and I quote, "the most dangerous one" in his collection. Really? The Batarang X? Jumbo-sized batarang, more dangerous than one with a literal bomb in it? Alright.
Though when Batman says it's dangerous to use, he probably means for himself rather than others. Why would it be dangerous for Batman to use this? Well, the Batarang X is just a giant batarang that gets launched by a catapult...while Batman is riding on top of it. It's safe to say that when Batman says it's "dangerous", he really just means there's a large chance he'll crash into a tree or a building at some point when using it. Best to keep the Batarang X in the Batcave.
2. The Bat-Eye! No, Seriously!
Batman has a lot of spy technology in his arsenal. Like I said, it's not just about pummeling scumbags on the streets of Gotham for him, he's a real detective...most of the time. While there's doubting Batman's credibility as a super-sleuth, sometimes he really makes you question his methods.
Like the time he used a flying, remote-controlled eyeball to spy on an "unsuspecting" Superman robot. I put unsuspecting in quotes because there is no way that the robot doesn't see that very visible flying eye directly behind him! He's got to just be humoring Batman right?
1. A BAT-CREDIT CARD?!!
Ah yes, if you've ever seen Batman and Robin, or if you're a fan of the infamous Nostalgia Critic video, then you know all about the Bat-Credit Card. Though not technically a gadget, it's (unfortunately) a part of Batman's arsenal, so it counts.
Sure, the Bat-Visa may seem like a ridiculous and odd thing for Batman to have in his utility belt, but when you get past that fact and really think about it...it's even more ridiculous!
Firstly, why would Batman have his own credit card? Does he have credit? Can crime-fighting vigilantes have credit?! Secondly, does Batman have money? I'm pretty sure that it's Bruce Wayne who has the money. And seeing as how Bruce doesn't want people to know he's Batman, maybe he shouldn't be using his vast amount of cash to purchase things AS BATMAN WITH A BATMAN CREDIT CARD!
So those are 10 of Batman's worst gadgets of all time! Thanks for reading, and let's hope we don't see any of these in Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice when it hits theaters March 25!