For all my followers, all two of you( Hey ma! Hey grandma!), the much anticipated follow up to my sexy horror studs list has arrived. I bring to you, my top five favorite final girls. I know they say ladies first, but I prefer to save the best for last.
*If at some point you feel lightheaded, or your britches become moist, just relax. This is a completely normal reaction.
#5 YASMINE, Frontier(s)
Actress: Karina Testa
First off, if you hated Frontier(s) just kick rocks, right f*cking now. I don’t need your negative energy (trust me, I have plenty of my own). You clearly wouldn’t know a beautiful, muddy, bloody, work of art if I slapped you in the f*ck hole with it. This movie not only covered its bases, it busted its sweet load all over them...
Now, more about the lovely, fierce, Yasmine. The credit for her spot on this list goes solely to the actress who played her, Karina Testa. Frontier(s) ‘ had a pretty sweet damned story line if you ask me, but it was the kind of movie in which without good acting, it would have easily fallen into a thousand tiny shit pieces. Fortunately, the cast fucking KILLED it, and Karina Testa? The most convincing of all the performances. At times, I was convinced her tears, screams, and pleas were real. In the end, this Parisian hood rat could not be broken. What’s that they say about wild hearts?
#4 KIRSTY COTTON, Hellraiser/ Hellbound/ Hell on Earth/ Hellseeker
Actress: Ashley Laurence
Pinhead being my favorite antihero of all time, how could the ever elusive Kirsty Cotton not be on my all time favorite feisty final girls’ list? In her younger years she was sweet, she was genuine, she was cute, and she was a mother f*cking survivor( Might I also add that it was pretty early on I began to imagine that maybe Kirsty herself would have made one hell of a cenobite). It’s not until ‘Hellseeker’ that we catch a glimpse of Kirsty’s darker side. Never being a fan of spoilers all I shall say is, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ On that note, I salute you my fellow semi-sociopathic sister!
#3 MARYBETH DUNSTAN, Hatchet (2&3)
Actress: Danielle Harris
Strangely enough, the first time I watched the Hatchet trilogy I watched them in reverse order. I do that sometimes. Maybe it’s weird, maybe it’s boredom, whatever the f*ck it is, thank the Dark Lord (he-who-shall-not-be-named), otherwise, I may not have watched the second or third installments of the trilogy. I would have totally missed out on Danielle Harris’ awesomeness (and the fact she replaced the only actor/actress who made the first movie unbearable). If you have not had the pleasure yet, Marybeth Dunstan went from being probably the single most agitating, poorly acted survivor girl I had seen in years to a pirate-mouthed, pint-sized scrapper capable of taking on the ghost of Victor Crowley, if not the world. On behalf of Adam Green fans everywhere, thank you for saving the Hatchet movies Danielle Harris. Job well done, again.
#2 JENNIFER HILLS, I Spit On Your Grave (2010)
Actress: Sarah Butler
Jennifer Hills (as played by Sarah Butler or Camille Keaton) Might have been my number one spot had I seen any rendition of ‘I Spit on Your Grave,’ at an earlier age. Although, I am certain that would have been time wasted as I could not possibly have grasped this very real, sharp, sickening concept, at too young an age. Even now, as I sit here typing, I feel Jennifer’s pain in an all too familiar a way. A way that can not be spoken, only felt. A pain so personal and humiliating that it cuts so deeply into your core that it leaves a permanent mark.
Jennifer gives us all something. Something we all have dreamt of. And she serves it ice f*cking cold.
Sarah Butler, thank you for being the Jennifer Hills of my generation.
#1 LAURIE STRODE, Halloween
Actress: Jamie Lee Curtis
I had to think about this one. I thought long, and hard (like my super sexy boyfriend), and I continuously circled back to my original scream queen, Laurie Strode. She’s my number one because no matter how many years young I age, she will always appeal to that same little girl I was when I first saw ‘Halloween’. My very first horror movie. Slumber parties, scary movies, and pizza. I was in love. I was at the age where I wasn’t quite old enough to babysit like Laurie, so she was automatically like way cool, like my sister. But, I was also in all probability, a bit too young to understand many other beautiful horrors with more profound and complex story lines. Abstract horror, unconventional beauty, and nostalgia, thank you Laurie Strode, you opened my eyes to the world of fear, and take me back to a time when I did not know what it felt like.
So, we moist yet?