ByHayden Mears, writer at
Hayden Mears

Various sources are now coming forth with reports that president hopeful Donald J. Trump has been named the highest paid actor of 2015. To protect themselves from the backlash that would inevitably follow, these sources have requested that they remain anonymous, despite the fact that it will undermine the credibility of this article.

“I mean, it makes sense that I would win,” Trump said to a cluster of libel-prone reporters on Friday morning. “I'm on track to be the Republican nominee, so it stands to reason that I'd be just as good at something else.” He paused before saying, “We're winning, winning, winning the country. And soon the country is going to start winning, winning, winning.”

It does make sense, if you think about it. Who else has the courage and the talent to knock such prominent actors from their lofty pedestals and send them plummeting into a void of mediocrity? Who else can convince political pundits, millions of Americans, and basically half the country that he's what's right for America, despite a myriad of signs that basically scream, “Jesus Christ! Is this really happening?”

Trump has managed to blur the line between acting and actual, honest behavior, a feat that would make every A-Lister blanch and step back to rethink themselves. In fact, he's so brilliant that he probably became the best, highest paid actor by default (the guy came into money, and by God he's gonna come away with money). Hell, he got a small loan of one Oscar from his dad to kickstart his acting career.

Congratulations, Mr. Trump, and may money never fail you.


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