ByThe Chaos Ninja, writer at
The defender on non-suckertry!
The Chaos Ninja

DISCLAIMER: Those of you allergic to dairy should avoid this at all costs. The following is loaded with cheese. Proceed with caution.

When it comes to horror you'll often hear A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, The thing, and Friday the 13th mentioned among the greats, and as of recent we have witnessed a resurgence of quality horror films loaded with solid stories and thrills that can be quite scary. For fans of “True” horror this has proven promising in revitalizing the genre. But what about those so-called horror films of a lower-class level. The B-Movies that act more as a comedy than actual horror? And I’m not talking about pseudo-horror movies designed to be funny, like the Scary Movie series, but those created with the intentions of scaring the pants off of you, only to find your pants soiled from painfully induced laughter. Here I present thee with an Ode to the cheese that flooded the genre, the movies that are so disturbingly bad they are good.

Ugly? Yes. Scary? No!
Ugly? Yes. Scary? No!

Troll (1986) - Singing mushrooms, a dwarf, Sonny Bono playing a pervert playboy, a creepy young girl, one ugly ass Troll leader, and a horde of troll puppets looking like deformed Muppet's jam packed into one film? Though it may sound terrifying, the only horrific elements are the laughable performances and sub par special effects. However, that doesn’t mean this film is anything less than pure gold. The story of a young girl who recently moved into a new apartment building with her parents and older brother is rendered unconscious and kidnapped by a basement dwelling troll (that actually doesn’t sound right). A troll who then disguises himself as the little girl with plans of turning all of the tenants into trolls, all while finding ways to torment her older brother. The brother is aware that his sister has been replaced by this ugly little monster and plans to help thwart his evil plans with the help of an old lady who is secretly a former troll lover turned troll hunter. You can’t make this stuff up people. It’s terrible. It’s so bad you can’t help but laugh. Oh and did I mention that Sonny Bono plays a pervert playboy neighbor? If you read this and still choose to give this a whirl, I commend you, for you are a true fan of horror.

The Evil Dead (1981) - I’m talking about Sam Raimi’s original cult-classic attempt to create horror before realizing the true value of its cheesiness, remaking it as Evil Dead 2 with all intentions of being funny. Here we have Bruce Campbell and friends making the journey to a cabin in the woods to have a jolly old time. They find the Necronomicon (Book of the Dead), read the scriptures opening the gates of hell, unleashing demons upon them that take turns possessing and tormenting each. Watching Bruce Campbell try and deliver a serious performance is breathtaking, yet virtually impossible. The man can’t help but be funny whether he’s trying to or not. The effects are low-budget corn that only enhance the entertainment and create a downright, pitiful, yet highly entertaining horror-classic that can’t be missed. Evil Dead 2 was great, but there is nothing like the original.

Yes...the followed it up with 2 sequels.
Yes...the followed it up with 2 sequels.

Basket Case (1982) - Ever watch a movie and question the seriousness of the writers and directors? Such is the case of 1982’s Basket Case. It is a movie of true wonder. A film that will leave you wondering whether or not its creator truly believed it to be a movie that would draw in audiences or a practical joke in disguise. The tale of two brothers, the normal of the two keeps his deformed, maniacal Siamese twin (separated of course) inside a wicker basket. Backed by some of the worst animation imaginable, the little critter hops out and unleashes his wrath upon unsuspecting victims and the viewers alike. It’s one of those films you have to see at least once whether you are a fan of the genre or not. It’s just that damn bizarre.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) - Okay, if you have a fear of clowns then this may just be the scariest movie ever created. If not, though the clowns are still pretty creepy looking, it sucks…in a gloriously satisfying way. (Dirty minds please pause). The premise? Demented space clowns land on earth turning humans into giant wads of cotton candy that they later eat. They have ray guns, popcorn guns, pies and breast-augmenting she-clowns. The things our darkest nightmares are made of. Is it worthy of rental? Perhaps not, but if you pass this little beauty on Netflix or late night television it’s worth a viewing if you have nothing better to do.

Night of the Demons (1988) - This one turns it up a notch as far as special effects and overall film quality are concerned, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s a blossoming turd of excellence worthy of being on any cult-horror enthusiasts list. It has all the elements one would expect in a film of this caliber. Sex, drugs, demons, bimbos, a token black guy, and an assortment of stupid teens tripping over the second they start running from the threat. I applaud the makeup and the attempt to be scary, but it’s bad people. Night of the Demons is best suited when marathon viewing horror flicks leading up to Halloween, or a lonely Saturday night when on the verge of sleep.

Here it is people...the infamous Troll 2
Here it is people...the infamous Troll 2

Troll 2 (1990) - No list is complete without this little nugget of gold. With a name like Troll 2 it would be safe to assume that it is the sequel to the Troll film that was previously mentioned in this list. But it’s not, in fact it has nothing to do with the original. That simple blunder alone should be enough to forewarn you of the horrors that lie ahead. This right here is THE worst of the worst, the very best there is at reaching intense levels of sucketry that one can’t help but watch. Often labeled as the worst movie in creation it developed a cult following of epic proportions. The film follows a young boy by the name of Joshua who visits the town of Nilbog, which of course is Goblin backwards. A town infested with…Goblins…that turn people into plants then eat them. A child could have created better material, the acting is atrociously epic, and there isn't a single item in this film worthy of praise. It’s sucks. It sucks badly, yet if it’s on I can’t help but watch it. It’s one of those films that forces you to watch it, question your sanity, then watch it again the next time it’s on

How bad can it really be? Here's a little video (19 minutes long) on EVERYTHING wrong with Troll 2.

With an endless list of awfully good horror flicks one can never grow bored with the genre. We all want quality acting and story lines, but I've grown to appreciate the sub-stellar. Throw logic out the window, grab a bucket of popcorn and salute the B-Movie horrors.


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