You only have to talk to a handful of celebrities to discover how ego-shatteringly awkward filming a sex scene can be. We've discovered tales of sweaty nude patches (yes, really), putting ballsacks in actual sacks and Jon Hamm likening sex scenes to running in the rain. However, as weird as their descriptions are, you'd never be able to tell the cringeworthy reality when watching their on-screen performances.
Seduction in movies often seems so glamorous; it's rarely messy, the people are unfairly gorgeous and they always know the right things to say. Most of the time. Whether intentionally cringeworthy or just plain bad acting, the below list of sexy scenes will probably cause you to face-palm away from your screen faster than J.Lo can say "turkey time."
1. Madonna And Willem Dafoe In Body Of Evidence
Willem may not be scared of Madonna pouring hot wax and champagne all over his torso AND PEEN while smacking her lips like she's in some demented BDSM ad for KFC, but I sure as hell am. Even once you get past how painful this would be — and the bubbling, blister-coated dick such an activity would doubtlessly spawn — I personally find it hard to believe, unless she bought some sort of citrus scented wax, that notorious diva Madonna would happily lick that concealed gunk off his body without a single complaint. Very suspicious.
2. Kim Basinger And Mickey Rourke In 9 1/2 Weeks
Dubbed one of the sexiest food scenes in cinema, the only reflex this infamous scene sparks in me is the overwhelming desire to fold my face into itself and make it stay there until this is done. Call me a prude, whatever, but the look of pure pleasure on Kim Basinger's face when she slices that egg is not normal, nor is her sexy neck movement in response to a purring can opener. Add that to tonging a single piece of fusilli pasta, necking a pint of milk in a way that should be reserved for that gross dude down at your local bar, and Mickey Rourke's fizzy water exploding spaff joke — no. Just, STOP.
3. Josh Hartnett And That White Flower In 40 Days & 40 Nights
Ok, so I know this is supposed to be all gentle and sensual and blah, blah, blah but I could never get past how ridiculous doing this in reality would be. Ok so a) Josh Hartnett makes his girlfriend orgasm without even touching her — calling bullshit straight off the bat — and b) he does it with a white orchid: the symbol of innocence. Give me a break.
4. Kate Winslet And Leonardo DiCaprio In Titanic
Ok, the header for this one is a little misleading, so chill your beans. Yes, the whole, "draw me like one of your French girls," spiel was pretty hot, but I'm 98% sure any flirtatious flutterings you may have experienced during this scene will pffft away like a fart in the night once you realize those hands sketching our dear Rose do not belong to Jack a.k.a Leonardo DiCaprio a.k.a BABE, they belong to James Cameron.
5. Jennifer Beals And Michael Nouri In Flashdance
While it's undeniable that Jennifer Beals is as smokin' as that suit she's wearing, I really don't get what could possibly be arousing about a chick sucking on the tail end of an expensive crustacean. Like, you can almost smell the finger residue from here, and then imagine that smearing all over your face as she touches you. Now that would suck.
6. Liv Tyler And Ben Affleck In Armageddon
Do I think it's possible that somebody, somewhere else in the world is doing what they're doing at the exact same moment?
Well, if by that you mean, do I think somewhere a chick is reclining as her boyfriend bounces animal crackers up and down her body like it's some sort of fleshy Serengeti while using her tits and bits as a crappy and super weird way to navigate and euphemize before intensely making out to a (let's be honest) pretty pervy song sung by her dad?
I really, really hope not.
7. Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck In Gigli
Ok, so we've all said embarrassing shit in our time, and attempting to be seductive can be awkward AF, but, “It’s turkey time… gobble gobble" — SERIOUSLY? Likening your vagina to a bulbous bird with a red raw, knobbly, sagging neck? Sorry guys, but even the fact you were dating IRL while shooting Gigli can't save this scene from that big fat NOPE.
8. Elizabeth Berkley And Kyle MacLachlan In Showgirls
There are so many hilarious and deeply disturbing moments during this aggressively mental scene in which Elizabeth Berkley bangs Kyle MacLachlan in a fancy swimming pool, flapping like a deranged dolphin before a backdrop of neon palm trees.
I mean, I'm grateful this scene exists — but what the actual?