ByThe Brian Hogan, writer at
Writer, Artist, Poet, Critic & Pizza Snob I'm a lover of life--blurbs are hard! Just know I love pizza. Thank you
The Brian Hogan - Dracula: Untold

SCORE: A Buzz Kill

My neighbor wanted to see this movie due to her insatiable crush on super-hunk Luke Evans, so we sampled a new marijuana infused chocolate bar by Cali Gold, puffed away on my Shatter Tank and braced ourselves for the first of this season’s scary halloween adventures, Dracula: Untold. I’m not a huge vampire fanatic in general but I love Buffy and I dig special effects, so by the time we settled in with our popcorn I was feeling Bram stoked! The visual effects were stunning, I remember a particular shot where we see glimpses of the battle raging from the reflection in a sword blade that had been plunged into the chest of an enemy. The inlaid wood carving of a dragon on Dracula’s chest plate alone was breathtaking. But as we neared the halfway point I began to check my watch. I soon realized why this portion of the Dracula story had been so far untold; because the events that take place are just not that interesting.

If it weren't for the symphony of beauty feeding me visually I would have been bored to tears. ****SPOILERS AHEAD***** Our hero, Vlad the Impaler, who becomes the infamous Count Dracula by the end goes on this quest to save his kingdom and his village. Instead, everyone around him dies except his son. Everyone. His castle is pillaged. His kingdom deserted. I want to root for him, I want to see a triumphant hero story, and that’s what this movie keeps trying to be. I guess because he has the name Dracula that’s supposed to be cool enough to distract from the fact that he’s an utter failure who recklessly gets everyone he knows and loves killed despite acquiring super powers. Another nail in the coffin of this adventure that would have been better left untold is that there was barely one scene where Evans was shirtless, and nary a glimpse of his butt! I thought I was going to see a Vampire movie, shouldn’t there be a little more nudity and sexual innuendo? It’s not that I love that kind of cheap gimmick in a film as a rule, but in a film about vampires, that also happens to be mediocre, I think throwing in a little sexual chemistry would have been just the dash of seasoning this bland sauce needed. The bright spot were the special effects that had him morphing into a swarm of bats and almost musically and rhythmically decimating the Sultan’s armies, but if they had used even that plot device one more time I might have staked myself in the chest.

Maybe I’m just stoned but this turned out to be a pretty average afternoon at the movies. Tell me what you think in the comments below.

MY SCORE: 2 out of 5 buds. I had fun. But art should change you, even a little, but I’m exactly the same after this, well, except for being 90 minutes older. That’s just not good enough for me. A Buzz Kill


What score would you give it on the Buzzed Meter?


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