ByThe Brian Hogan, writer at
Writer, Artist, Poet, Critic & Pizza Snob I'm a lover of life--blurbs are hard! Just know I love pizza. Thank you
The Brian Hogan - Sex Tape

SCORE: A Good Buzz

Perhaps Sex Tape is the wrong movie to go see with your mother, and perhaps you are thinking “duh, that’s obvious.” And if that’s the case then I give a hearty hats-off to you forward thinkers because it wasn’t obvious to me. I assumed, the title notwithstanding, that we would be going to a typical vanilla ice cream, popcorn punchline romantic comedy, ala Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman or Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, you know, wholesome and harmless. A heart-warming tale about a hooker who wins the Prince Charming lottery, or a women faking orgasm in the middle of a family restaurant are universal after all, perfectly fine to watch with mom. Wait, come to think of it, when you really describe what these films were about it makes these instant and universal classics seem—dare I say it—smutty. Has that been the state of our culture this whole time? As the high from my pre-movie toke session kicks in I felt the spotlight of self-awareness shine upon me every time Dias or Segel would flash their ass. “I’m sorry mom,” I would think, “I didn’t know Sex Tape would have so much sex.” And then when she missed a piece of dialogue she asked “about stacks?” I have to correct her, face reddening, “‘but sex,’ mom, he said ‘but sex’.”

“Oh,” she says, scooping popcorn, both of us looking straight ahead.

Cameron Dias plays Annie to desirable well-timed comedic delight and Segel is both relatable and horrifying as the smitten doto bird beau. As I watch Annie and Jay tackle new positions like gymnast-heroes, in cars, libraries, their dorm room with the door open, strange involuntary thoughts begin invading my mind: did my mom used to have sex like this? No, she can’t have done it outside. Besides she didn’t have a dorm room, she was in a convent to become a nun, surely no sex was had there. Brian, stop thinking about you mom’s sex life, stop it. Quick Cameron Dias, do something funny. Make me laugh, make me laugh, I implore you!” I find a way to grow accustomed to that fact that my mom and I are into this smutty comedy for the long haul and as I get used to all the bare ass flying around I am finally able to focus.

And what I end up seeing is a fast-paced, surprisingly hilarious and good natured love story, and only the sauce was smutty. The meat underneath the title and the bare ass was solid, thick and juicy. The story touches on universal themes of communication, self-acceptance, and the lengths we will go to in order to love the one we’re with. ***SPOILERS AHEAD*** I found myself laughing out loud as Dias does a rail of cocaine in order to distract her boss played to schizophrenic perfection by Rob Lowe, while her husband, pretending to have explosive diarrhea, searches the house for one of the many iPads they need to retrieve, containing the sex tape that has been accidentally synced to all Jays’ old devices (which he gives away as gifts).

From the opening scene, when Diaz does voice over and types out a blog entry on the screen Sex-In-The-City-style, the movie pulls you in. It beckons as words are typed across the screen “L-e-t- m-e a-s-k y-o-u a- q-u-e-s-t-i-o-n—,” and as she begins to show us in flashback their rollicking beginnings as a sex-craved couple in love, it’s just the right amount of schmaltz and belly laughs to make say yes, “fire away.”

The movie draws a portrait of a couple in love, ravenous in bed and mastering the art of sex. Then pregnancy and children widen the gap between them and within just 5 minutes of the opening we are already rooting for this mildly-estranged spirited pair to reignite their passion. I made sure to ignite my senses with a few tokes on my marijuana shatter tank before I left the house, and other than my paranoid episode early on wondering if I should be hospitalized for thinking about my mom’s sex life, I was riding a pretty good buzz. Because this couple’s love was epic dude, I’m telling you, totally epic; that’s not just the weed talking, I swear.

Hilarious moments abound as they try to find out if their friends have already watched the tape when they show up on their doorstop to erase the incriminating iPad; or when Jay watches the sex tape for the first time after insisting it’s no big deal only to become horrified and more motivated than Annie now to get this thing down from the cloud. An attack dog, a leap from a balcony, and breaking and entering into the office of a porn website to destroy their servers are comedic gold bars, one after the other.

As my high peaks and the movie crescendos I find myself no longer self-conscious, but laughing out loud, with my mother, at two innocent sex-deviants as they race around town chasing a sex tape and emotionally, chasing each other. I felt satisfied, though not bowled over by this exceedingly clever comedy, and in a strange way even closer to my mom. Aside for a needless subplot where Annie and Jay are being blackmailed by their son’s 12 year old weirdo friend, this movie is quick, witty, and has a way of inviting you to watch, even though you know you’ll never actually see what’s on that tape. I wouldn’t suggest watching a sex tape with your mom, but checking out the movie Sex Tape with her turned out to be one of those off-beat, odd-ball wonderful ideas.

Maybe I’m just stoned, but today turned out to be a pretty surreal day at the movies. Tell me what you think in the comments section below.

MY SCORE: 3 out of 5 buds. Didn’t cry, won’t remember most of it tomorrow, but had a great time and laughed out loud. So it’s 3 buds, straight down the middle. A Good Buzz

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