BySam Plank, writer at
"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t
Sam Plank

There have been so so so many movies whose plot involves some sort of bible-twisting, much to the annoyance of a quite a few Christians.

A few of them include:

Noah never mentioned the word God, had giant talking angel-rock-monsters, and featured a wacky juice drinking distant-from-God main character.

The Last Temptation of Christ pretty much ticked every Christian on the planet off with its portrayal of Jesus as he struggled with depression, lust and fear. But hey, it won an Academy Award for Best Director and a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress.

And Willem Dafoe got to star in a superhero-ish role!

The Da Vinci Code insinuated that Jesus was Mary Magdelene's baby daddy, and their lineage helps Tom Hanks find out that Jesus was a dad, and his lineage helps Tom...oh boy.

Monty Python's Life of Brian is just, well it's funny. Brian is Jesus's neighbor, born on the same day, and hilarity ensues.

History says that it's possible to tweak the Bible a little bit and still have a monstrously successful movie, and that might be something that [X-Men: Apocalypse](tag:1194267) could very well do!

It's definitely already going to be a biblical-themed movie. There's a big bad named Apocalypse, and hell, he has four horseman for St. Peter's sake.

I mean, he's even found by a guy named Baal, the leader of a band of desert nomads called the Sandstormers. In Numbers in the Bible, the Israelites started rebelling against God and started worshiping Baal, the local pagan God of the Moabites.

Throughout the Bible, there are quite a few men who possess unworldly power, claiming that God himself gave them that power. Apocalypse wandered the world for millennia, finding civilizations and convincing them to worship him with mighty acts of...stuff. Really godly stuff and things.

Here are a few super-powered fellas from the good book that may just pop up in X-Men: Apocalypse! And some of their powers rival, or maybe even trump the powers of the X-Men!


Like Jesus, Samson's story skips from his birth to his adulthood. The warrior has super-human strength that really tends to tick off his enemies. He even once tore a lion apart with his bare hands. But with that strength came the super-human ability to hook up with women that were, well, total bitches. Samson's enemies offer Delilah money to find Samson's weakness. She discovers that it's his hair, and cuts it off while he sleeps, making him a weak, puny human.

Apocalypse has the power to awaken the latent mutant powers, so maybe in the movie he'll be responsible for Samson's powers.


The Bible's chock-full of prophets, and Zeke is one of the more badass ones. In Ezekiel 37: 1-14, he walks with the Lord (figuratively) out into a valley full of human bones. Not sure why they're there, but either way, God tells Ezekiel to command them to rise, come together with tendons and flesh, breathe and be alive again, which he does. And they do.

So here we have a dude who can raise an army of the dead? And there's a supernatural force giving him the power to do it? Totally sounds like something A-Poc would pull with a guy like Zeke, who may not realize he's a mutant just quite yet.


With his staff, he was able to do all sorts of crazy shit. Forgive me...stuff. Crazy stuff. He turned all the water into blood by dipping it in the river, he parted the Red Sea, he turned the staff into a huge snake-eating snake in front of the Pharoah, he produced water just by whacking a rock...lots of good stuff.

Here's a guy who can take a stick, and work all kinds of magic with it, all because he's been endowed with some super duper Godly mojo.


In 2 Kings 2:23-24, some assbutt boys from Bethel, they were up to no good. Started making trouble in Elisha's 'hood. So, cursing them in the name of the Lord, he summoned two bears from out of the woods and mauled 42 of the boys. I don't know about you, but I'm more in awe that there were more than 42 boys just hanging out making fun of people passing by than the bear attack.

But Elisha's God-given powers are, among other sweet things (like parting a river with another fellow dead prophet's shirt), controlling the animal kingdom.


This guy is the big one. I'm not going to go into it too far, simply because y'all know what he can do. And partly because, I'm a little afraid of what might happen if I suggest the son of God got his powers from a mutant. But you can just use your imagination.

I doubt the filmmakers will go so far as to suggest that Apocalypse would “create” Jesus, but you never know these days!

X-Men: Apocalypse hits theaters on May 27!


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