BySam Plank, writer at
"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t
Sam Plank

With Transformers 5 now officially on the horizon, let's talk robots.

Don't get me wrong; giant talking alien robots who disguise themselves as ambulances, jets and toasters have been a part of my life as long as breathing and pooping have been. But even something as awesome as the Transformers phenomenon can have its ups and downs and mistakes.

And no, I'm not talking about Age of Extinction. That movie had talking robots in it, right? Then, by default, it ROCKED.

Sit back, relax, close your eyes...wait, don't do that...makes it kind of hard to read. Think back to your childhood and all those toys and cartoons on Saturday mornings, and see if you can remember all these sub-par to terrible Transformers that left you thinking, was someone at Hasbro dropping acid?


A robot with body odor? At least he was a bad guy, and the Autobots weren't cursed with this stinky thing. You'd think he would be at least be blessed with brains, but fate had other plans for him. When his fellow Decepticons would insult his stench, his comebacks were about as terrible as Biff Tanner's.


A jet transformer with big red guns? What could go wrong! Wait...he was claustrophobic in the air (isn't that agoraphobic?), and to top it off, nuts? I'd say he's going to be excluded from Transformers 5, but with some of the goofy 'bots the movies have had, him and his brother Fastlane might just make the cut.


As crazy as Cloudraker, Broadside also suffers from the fear of heights (in one form, he's a jet) and he's seasick (he's also a aircraft carrier), so he would absolutely suck in battle. Best leave him at home, Autobots.

Computer Mouse

The Dinobot leader, Grimlock, couldn't have picked a much stranger form to hide from the humans. I hate to think what part of his anatomy you'd be clicking, thinking they were just buttons.

Soccer Ball/Football

Pretty sure if a little boy or girl kicked that, the Transformer would get found out when they broke their little foot.


A Decepticon who had to team up with an easily freaked out Nebulan named Spasma. Spasma lived up to his name, and was a total spaz. Even that would have been fine, but the Nebulan and Decepticon teaming up meant their psyches fused, and, well, Apeface definitely drew the short end of the robostick there.


Once two separate bots who probably were pretty kick-ass Autobots, these two had to be fused together at some point to save their lives. Now, they can't even transform into their jet modes, leaving them pretty useless if the Autobots don't want to be found out by the hoomans.

Mickey Mouse?!


Sewing Machine

And a Hello Kitty sewing machine at that? Another big nope nope nope.


His name is Weirdwolf and he's a Decepticon that spoke in this funky rhythm and rhyme. 'Nuff said. Keep this guy on the sidelines for #5, please!


If you're gonna get named after a gun, please make it be Winchester or Colt. Browning guns are cool and all too, but their name sounds like a something out of a gross Highlander-themed porn movie.

There can be only one...girl and one cup!

This little (and I do mean little) guy transformed into a small handgun. Which would be fine if a human needed a small handgun...that shot confetti, water, a tiny Japanese flag, and...wait for birds.


This was just a bad idea. Surprised they didn't make a Hindenburg too...wait, did they?

Watch that and feel your heart go on, brothers and sisters.

McDonald’s Toys

Not gonna lie...these were awesome! But they would probably get into a fight in a McDonald's and blow it up if they were in Transformers 5.

Thomas the Tank Engine

He is a train, but think about it. A Transformer train would be pretty limited to train tracks if he didn't want to be found out by the tiny human people things.


Isn't the point of Transformers to have robots that blend in when they aren't in robot form? Pretty sure this fail belongs in chapter 1 of the Book of Fails.


A robot that turns into a bat that looks nothing like a bat? Keep this one on the shelf, Mr. Bay.


Autobots! Hide!

Kind of hard to obey that order from Optimus WHEN YOU'RE AN ENTIRE CITY.

Omega Supreme

This guy is right up there with Metroplex. A huge rocket with a 100-meter rail track surrounding it would have a slight problem hiding in a used car lot.


A shark Decepticon? Sounds awesome! Except for his teensy weensy arms.

Whoever designed him was so close to awesomeness, but appeared to just give the hell up when he got to the upper limbs.


Another Dinobot, a group of bots that are disguised as extinct animals trying to hide in a world where they're, well, extinct.

Sky Lynx

This guy is just one big bucket of WTF. The only true explanation for him is the LSD.

I know I forgot a few bad Transformers...light up the comments and let me know!


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