'IF YOU SCREAM, YOU'RE DEAD' - Night of the Creeps
The 80's were responsible for an entire decade of ass kicking madness. Timeless cartoons, Wham! (hey Deadpool), and cult classic cinema that won't soon be forgotten. One thing they absolutely got right was creating a genre of horror so terrible, so horribly bad that you had to love it. Glued to the screen...you knew it sucked...but you couldn't walk away.
This is not an ode to the movies, oh no, this is nod to the shameful, cringe-worthy, BAD trailers, loaded with ultra-magnetic powers that sucked us right into watching this nonsense.
1. 'Night of the Creeps' (1986)
How do you ruin a young adult's night of partying, potential loss of virginity, and overall night of unforgettable fun? Space slugs that fly into your mouth and turn you into zombies, that's how. One thing the trailer got right was showcasing just how much corn was included in this film. Makes me want to watch it again right now.
2. 'Maniac Cop' (1988)
'The most terrifying man in the city...carries a badge.', or 'When a cop turns killer you have the right to remain silent...forever,' and Bruce Campbell...need I say more.
3. 'Ghoulies' (1985)
Don't you just hate it when you go to a house warming party with a group of friends that want to play some board games, strip poker, smoke some pot, and that one A-Hole of a friend suggests a black magic ritual? A ritual that ends up bringing to life an assortment of little monsters that want nothing more than to terrorize all. Yeah, me to, but seeing it play out in this trailer is quite a treat.
4. 'Creepshow' (1982)
5 unique stories of terror bring to life this cult classic. The trailer itself looks as if it was made with a budget of $100 and Windows Movie Maker, but it's still pretty badass.
5. 'Critters' (1986)
This trailer did an excellent job at looking both awful and awesome at the same time. The lack of showing the monsters probably created a decent amount of intrigue to pull people into viewing this nonsense. Space gremlins with giant teeth, porcupine quills that shoot, and alien bounty hunters create a film with 80's cheese slathered all over it.
6. 'The Gate' (1987)
No words can do this justice. Bad acting, terrible special effects, stereotypical voice over, on full display for your viewing. Watch at your own risk.
7. 'Inseminoid' (1981)
How do you capitalize on the success of 'Alien'? By blatantly copying every aspect of the film, but replacing the face-hugger with a Penis Alien that impregnates it's victim. That's right, it does the alien wild thing with it's victim. Forget the classic chest burst scene...how about vag....oh forget it. 'In space no one can hear you scream', but they sure can hear you moan.
8. 'Puppet Master' (1989)
One does not watch this movie or trailer for that matter and not laugh out loud. Here we have a group of evil puppets that kill in comically brutal fashion. We have a blade wielding puppet, a puppet with giant hands that strangles people to death, a unfunny jester puppet, a puppet with a drill on his head, and a puppet lady that spits leeches out of her mouth. No, you CAN NOT make this up.
9. 'Return of the living Dead' (1985)
What we have here is the quintessential Zombie flick of the 80's. 'Night of the Living Dead' tried to be scary, this tried to be anything but. It's cornball madness at level 1000, and the trailer only magnifies this tenfold.
10. 'House' (1986)
Here we have the trailer for House (which is surprisingly a decent flick if you like this sort of stuff). They tried to be serious in its attempt to create fear, but instead created a mess of sucketry that takes away from the the awesomeness that is this film.
Stephen King is an absolute Master of horror, hell he wrote the original short story...but this right here...holy sh!t. I don't know how they got him to cosign this film as director, because any author should be able to recognize a flagrant butchering of their material. My only assumption is that he was paid handsomely or was on some heavy narcotics at the time. 'I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right," he says. If Stephen King can't do Stephen King right, then all hope in humanity is lost.