ByIdiotbox Watcher, writer at
I'll clue you in on the good, the bad, and the ugly of sci fi, horror, fantasy and anything else that catches my bloodshot eyes
Idiotbox Watcher

As I correctly predicted last week, it was Tiger Mom Alex who ratted out the motley crew of the Abigail to Connor's pirates. But they still wouldn't have known about them if not for the imbecilic Bratty Alicia initially giving away their location to Jack on the radio. Consequences, people!

The ep starts with the supposedly evil Connor cooking a steak for Alicia - huh? If I'm ever a prisoner, let me be treated like that! Best I can figure Connor was the ship's cook before it all hit the fan - nice that the zombie apocalypse can result in a promotion, right? She gets a steak (presumably because Jack is warm for her form), while Clueless Dad is caged below deck - no steak for you!

Instead, CD gets ripped by Tiger Mom because she blames him for her getting cut loose from the Abigail - uh, never mind that CD was the one who lobbied for her to be towed to safety. Never mind that it was actually Strand who cut her loose. Maybe she was out in the sun too long: yeah, that's it! Or maybe it was just dumb, lazy writing (sigh).

Bratty Alicia is above decks, being shown the entire pirating operation by Jack. Is it just me, or would you wait a teensy little bit before you show a new captive your entire operation - maybe see if you can trust her first? Just sayin'. Dumb and Dumber to.

Back on the Abigail, Salazar is dressing Reed's gaping wound from his impalement (courtesy of Insufferably Bitchy Mom) in the last ep. But in reality, it's just an interrogation technique used by Salazar. Reed is acting like a real dick to Salazar, considering he has a spike running through his midsection. So every now and then it's the old, 'oops, sorry my hand slipped and banged against that spike, sorry!' move from Salazar, just to remind Reed-dick who's boss. He finds out that Reed-dick is Connor's bro, in addition to where their flotilla is located. Also in the room is Clueless Son, who's responsible for all this mess in the first place, seeing that he didn't do anything to prevent the pirates from boarding and all.

Salazar leaves to clean up, and is actually dumb enough to leave CS alone with Reed-dick. A rare instance of stupidity from Salazar - I hope the low IQ's around him aren't rubbing off!

Above deck now, where Insufferably Bitchy Mom is (of course) bitching at Strand about their situation. Salazar joins them and tells her what he learned from Reed-dick: all about Connor and where the pirates are located. She decides to take the Abigail over to them and force a prisoner swap. Just before the Abigail docks, the radio crackles to life-it's Connor. He still thinks Reed-dick and his cronies have control of the Abigail. Eh, not so much.

IBM gets on the radio and hisses (I swear everything she says comes out as a hiss!) that all the pirates are dead except Reed-dick. If they want him back alive then a swap of CD/Alicia for Reed-dick is the only way. Connor, being the uber evil leader that he is, immediately acquiesces - some tough guy!

So the deal is made: no worries, right? WRONG! A shot rings out below deck, and everyone runs down to see Clueless Son, smoking gun in hand, staring into the room where Reed-dick is. Seems that Reed-dick was being a dick to CS, so what does he do? Shoots him in the face, of course! Just when they have a deal in place, this dim bulb blows it up in seconds. So let me get this straight: CS wouldn't use his gun to protect everyone on the boat when the marauding pirates were boarding, but he shoots their one bargaining chip in the face because he was talking some smack? SMH.

Idiot du jour courtesy AMC
Idiot du jour courtesy AMC

Even more pathetic, CS didn't even finish the deal - he missed the brain, so Reed-dick turns in a matter of moments into a walker! Luckily for the Mensa members on board, Salazar has a plan. He puts a bag over Walker Reed-dick's head and plans to make the switch before anyone finds out - not a great plan, but hey, it's all they got, right? IBM takes a launch with WRD and heads toward the dock. Once on the dock, she finds that only CD is there for the swap, not Bratty Alicia. And where is BA? With Jack, doing that teen arguing thing, of course.

Now here's another big problem I have with this show. The pirates were armed to the teeth to take hostages and control the Abigail. But now, when you know that all of your own crew is dead except for your brother, wouldn't you also be loaded for bear at the hostage exchange? And yet here we are, Connor and two henchmen, with NO WEAPONS - WTF?? The reason for this becomes painfully clear in a moment, when WRD is unmasked as the undead. In an incredibly convenient turn of events, WRD bites Conner and a henchman. Gee, if they had weapons, they could have easily dispatched of WRD and controlled the situation. But the lazy storytellers want this to wrap up quickly for some reason, so let's not give these crafty pirates any way to defend themselves. BA gets away from Jack and Angry Preggers Gurl, leaps into the water, and joins IBM and CD for the trip back to the Abigail.

Why,oh why have this drawn out plot line of pirates, only to wrap it up in a ham handed way in 10 minutes? Now I guess we are on our way to Baja. Oh well. Good times!

One more thing:

Right before Salazar took WRD above deck, he started hearing a man's voice. Needless to say he was freaking. Is Salazar hearing voices? Is his past as a torturer catching up to him? Is he cray cray? He's the ONLY remotely interesting character on this floating turd - don't screw it up, showrunners!


Latest from our Creators