ByIdiotbox Watcher, writer at Creators.co
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Idiotbox Watcher

Cray cray Celia starts this one off by tearing into Strand for not going through with the suicide pact with 'her son' Abigail, and gives him until sundown the next night to exit the compound. First of all, Abigail was NOT her son. Secondly, she is the friggin' HOUSEKEEPER! How does she have the juice to order ANYONE around? And yet everyone just takes it - I tell you, this show drives me crazy!

Meanwhile Clueless Dad, after his blowup with Insufferably Bitchy Mom over Clueless Son, sets out to find said son in the middle of the night. But get this: he goes out in the dark with no flashlight, no weapons, and NO SHOES! WTF?!

Before you know it CD is hobbling and limping around with bloody feet - would this dim bulb have enough common sense to get in out of the rain? I doubt it!

He eventually comes across a shack and decides to go inside: smart, right? Once inside, he is almost brained by the understandably freaked out man inside. CD tries to communicate with the dude, but he keeps saying, 'No ingles.' Does this stop CD? Uh, no. So they both keep talking in their own language and can't understand each other-smh.

This thankfully gets interrupted when CD sees some movement behind a door. He bursts in and finds CS, holding a gun to the head of the dude's young son. CS just wants to be left alone, and of course CD won't. CD knocks the gun out of CS's hand, and CS flees the shack, with CD in hot pursuit (the dude took pity on CD btw and gave the idiot some shoes - bless his heart). Once outside CD catches him, only to have CS pull a knife, trying to end CD. CD disarms him AGAIN (if this kid really wants to be a killer, he's gonna have to learn how to hold on to a weapon), and attempts to talk to him. CS just keeps repeating, 'I'm no good' - no argument there!

Druggie Nick tries to calm the waters by covering himself in walker goo, retrieving walker Luis, and bringing him back to cray cray Celia.

courtesy AMC
courtesy AMC

She is deliriously happy to see her zombie son, so she softens a bit regarding kicking the rest of the crew out. DN now has it out with IBM (but then again, does ANYONE get along with her?), and she stomps away mad (as usual).

DN is very taken with cray cray Celia, so it appears he has swapped his drug addiction for an addiction to religion, or whatever batsh*t point of view Celia has. Once an addict, always an addict.

Even though peace has been brokered, IBM wants out, and she wants the whole crew with her. Strangely enough, that includes CD and CS, even though she basically told them both to go the H-E-double hockey sticks in the last ep. But we know by now that this show makes ZERO sense, right? So she sends DN out to find CD and CS. Oh well - onward.

The b-side of the ep is all about Salazar losing his f-ing mind. Haunted by his forced participation in killing and warfare as a child, he is gradually losing his grip. Seeing the walkers reminds him of the innocent lives he's taken, and it's not doing his psyche much good. Salazar tries to escape the compound but fails, and is tied up and tormented by cray cray Celia. They go on and on about the dead, and on and on and on some more. Then another voice joins the conversation - Salazar's dead wife!

courtesy AMC
courtesy AMC

Yeah, here we go again! ANOTHER recycled plot from TWD - can't these writers come up with ANYTHING remotely original? The answer - eh, not so much. The talk goes pretty much as you would expect - it was nutty.

IBM goes to cray cray Celia and tries to talk her into keeping Strand, but that goes nowhere. The talk then turns to DN, and IBM feels genuinely threatened that CCC has bamboozled DN into becoming one of her acolytes. She wants to see the walkers: she wants to 'understand' what CCC is talking about. So off they go to the wine cellar.

CCC unlocks the door of the cellar and steps inside, explaining her wacko philosophy to IBM. I thought that MAYBE CCC was not as dumb as the others on the show, but alas, she left the key in the door. IBM pulls a stone cold bitch move by locking CCC in the cellar with her 'family'. Does IBM REALLY think she can get away with this? People on this show never think about anything, especially consequences. Ugh. She leaves the cellar to round up the rest of Team Mensa to escape.

Speaking of escape, Salazar fools his guard, escapes his bonds, and heads for the cellar with a can of gasoline and a lighter - not good.

DN. covered in walker goo AGAIN (ok, I've had about enough of this - he wears blood and guts now more than 'old man clothes'), finds CD and CS, but they won't come back. Hell, if coming back meant being in the same zip code as IBM I wouldn't either!

Strand is led out of the compound by Nurse Ratched and others, walking away as they lock the gate behind him. Buh bye, Strand.

Back in the cellar, Salazar walks inside and starts spreading gas all over the floor. He looks at the walkers, and in his mind they morph into people from his past, including wifey. He flicks his Bic and drops the lighter, engulfing the entire interior in flames.

Is cray cray Celia dead? Don't know - don't care.

Is Salazar dead? Don't know - kinda care - a little. Only because he's only one of two remotely interesting characters on this hot mess of a show.

IBM sees the entire compound go up, and rounds up Useless Ofelia and Bratty Alicia to bug out. Just then a pickup truck pulls up and guess who's driving? Strand - huh? Didn't he just leave and was locked out? What? Yes, he did just leave, and yes, he was locked out. I guess he's part magician now - he can transport himself anywhere he wants - even back inside the compound! Or maybe it's just stupid, lazy writing - yeah, probably that.

Anyway, they load up the truck and are about to leave when DN shows up in full walker guts regalia. IBM asks him about CD and CS, and DN lies about finding them. Since she really doesn't like them that much anyway, that goes by the wayside. She tries to get DN to go with them, but he basically tells her he's more peaceful covered in guts and surrounded by the dead than being with her - SNAP! So, being the mother of the year, she leaves him too. A couple of eps ago she blew up her family by choosing BA over everyone else, so now that's all come home to roost - serves the bitch right!

So the fractured crew leaves in the truck, driving by DN and his new walker buds. As they drive through the OPEN GATE (yeah, the gate that was locked 3 minutes ago when Strand was locked out, remember? Don't get me started) the front half of the season ends.

So what do we have here at the halfway point?

Clueless Dad and Clueless Son alone and in the wind.

Strand, Useless Ofelia, Bratty Alicia, and Insufferably Bitchy Mom supposedly heading back to the boat.

Druggie Nick doin' the Walker Rag.

Salazar and Cray Cray Celia may be dead, maybe not.

Does this sound familiar? It should. TWD separated their cast after the prison finale and it took over a half a season to get them back together. Yet ANOTHER recycled plot from TWD - sigh.

I have a new name for the show in the back half: 'Fear the Floating Turd'. Catchy, right? And sadly accurate.

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