Much like football and television shows, there is a season for plastic surgery. Cosmetic surgeons generally agree that Spring is the best time for body-augmentation operations (read: bikini season), while Winter is the best time for facelifts and chemical peels (read: excuse to avoid relatives). It's best to set aside enough time to sufficiently recover from any unforeseen complications during the procedure:
Seeing as we're on the cusp of summer, let's scrub up and start "working" on those beach bods. Here are 10 horror movie surgical procedures that will seriously scare you away from going under the knife.
1. Cardiac Transplant
Surgeon: Dr. Jack Harper
As with any surgical procedure, there are some assumed risks. Please read the following waiver, found in the opening sequence of Awake, and sign your name at the bottom:
Each year, over 21,000,000 people receive general anesthesia. The vast majority of them sleep peacefully. They remember nothing. 30,000 of these patients are not so fortunate. They find themselves unable to sleep, trapped in a phenomenon called anesthesia awareness. These victims are completely paralyzed. They cannot scream for help. They are awake.
2. Double Lobectomy
She may be an 18-year-old, angst-ridden teenager, but Pauline is exactly the kind of curious, hopeful surgeon you want cutting you open. She's practiced incisions on everything from birds to the girl jumping rope next door. Her family garage exudes an air of intimacy you won't find in other operating rooms.
3. Skin Grafting, Sexual Reassignment Surgery
Surgeon: Dr. Robert Ledgard
Movie: The Skin I Live In
Imagine skin that never ages, is resistant to burns and discourages insect bites. Dr. Ledgard's highly unconventional methods make it possible to retain the youthful look of Adonis indefinitely. And that's precisely how long the doctor will want to keep you in-house for follow-up appointments — he's extremely fond of his patients.
4. Nephrectomy, Liver Resection
Movie: Turistas / Paradise Lost
Sometimes the most affordable doctors are found outside of your healthcare provider's coverage. For a no-questions-asked kind of procedure, patients can elect to outsource their operation to Brazil, the global leaders in plastic surgery — and black market organ theft. Hey, that's why you've got two kidneys, right?
5. Facial Heterograft
Surgeon: Docteur Génessier
Movie: Eyes Without A Face
Dr. Génessier's attention to detail means he will repeat the surgery as many times as necessary until the desired result is achieved — no matter how many skin donors it takes.
6. Extreme Body Modification
Surgeon: "Bloody" Mary Mason
Movie: American Mary
Truly expressing yourself is a task that "Bloody" Mary Mason excels at. Her catalog of procedures runs the gamut from Surgical Implants and Nipple Removal to Voluntary Amputation and Female Nullification.
7. Artificially Conjoined Triplets
Surgeon: Dr. Josef Heiter
Movie: The Human Centipede
Experimental surgeries are necessary in testing the validity and safety of new surgical techniques. Constructing a continuous digestive tract between multiple individuals is a 100 percent medically accurate, groundbreaking new procedure that will open doorways into pathophysiological research. It is not recommended for Midwest schoolchildren or those with weak stomachs.
8. Complete Walrus Transformation
Surgeon: Howard Howe
Surgery isn't just about altering your physical appearance, but transforming one's inner appearance as well. Why stop at a flatter stomach or bigger calves when you can become a walrus? This straightforward procedure starts with a double leg amputation — using the tibia bones to fashion tusks — before carefully sewing the patient into a patchwork pelt made of human skin, creating a fully-formed walrus. The procedure even comes with a complete breakdown of the patient's psyche!
9. Reanimation of Necrotic Tissue
Surgeon: Herbert West
Modern science is breaking new ground thanks to the work of Herbert West. Now, the finality of death is no longer a concern. One syringe of West's reanimating reagent is enough to give life to even the stiffest of the recently deceased.
Side effects may include: Anger, Insatiable Hunger, Disembowelment, Decapitation, Impaling or Eye-Gouging.
Have a seat, the doctor with be with you shortly.