In celebration of the expectedly triumphant return of Holliston (season 3 airing in 2017), I decided to shed some light on much of the wisdom I have acquired whilst binging out on Adam Green and Joe Lynch’s hilariously close to home horror-comedy series.
Although only the first season is available for streaming on Hulu, you can easily score both seasons for under $20 COMBINED on Amazon. Plus, free shipping if you are a Prime member, which I highly recommend. If you are anything like me, you need to own a hardcopy of everything anyhow; so there is little sense in trying to be a dickhole and pirate the series. Just make the purchase you scoundrels, you won’t regret it.
Now sit back, strap in (or on), and prepare to have your mind blown with the loads of awesome sauce Holliston is about to blast all over your faces.
25 Things That I Learned From Watching Holliston:
1) How to properly exit the room:
And I do so quite frequently, much to the dismay of unsuspecting shop employees, and my boyfriend while he attempts to work in his office.
2) How to remove the smell of skunk in a pinch.
Finally, I have a use for these douches galore I have left over from all those nights at The Soul Hole.
3) How not to act at a convention:
Instead of being that guy, try to focus your attention more productively. For example: how many nip bottles can you hide on your person to smuggle past security? Eleven.
4) I learned that there is a strong possibility I may be a lesbian...
But I think Corri English, and Laura Ortiz both just have that effect on their fellow women.
5) How to make my milk last longer.
Just add water.
6) You can still be adulting with your imaginary friend still lurking around.
I myself have an imaginary lurker, still lurking about.
7) The quickest way to achieve alcohol poison since the “Roxanne,” drinking game.
It's called, "Point and Drink."
Warning: For seasoned alcoholics ONLY!
8) That the migraine excuse isn’t quite as original as I thought.
9) I’m not the only one who was mistakenly convinced 'Chumbawumba' was going to be huge.
I don't feel this needs any elaboration.
10) Where to drink my tall boys in Holliston:
Lake Winthrop is the prime spot to go without the cops bothering you kid, since that boss parking lot was fenced in and all.
11) Michael Meyers could be hotter with a ball gag.
It's not weird, Danielle Harris is in this scene.
12) The legend of the “Holliston Hobgoblin.”
If you find dicks in the trees, beware; the Holliston Hobgoblin hangs dong everywhere!
LUCKY 13) An extensive list of alternate names for the female genitalia.
Including, but not limited to: Cenobite Skinfold, Beagle Ears, Predator Lips, Ham Wallet, Love Taco, Ashton Cooch-er, Sideways Big Mac...
For your pleasure I have crafted a list of my own: Dick Pouch, Fisting Pot, New England Clamwich, Daddy’s Little Issue, and lastly, The Man Eater. You're welcome.
14) We all date a Dr Kevin at some point.
Or a lawyer, Ben…
15) It’s only $225 if I require the services of a lady-of-the-night.
Only $250 if I want role play.
16) You are never too old to steal toilet paper.
Aint no shame in my game. Sorry Portland.
17) Fatherless.com isn’t a thing.
I can’t be the only one who looked into this.
18) How to gain more Twitter followers.
I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with “mammal-doe.”
19) If there’s anything people are going to take seriously, it's an undead soccer team.
20) No one is going to take an undead soccer team seriously.
21) Lance Rockett and Carrie Bradshaw could be sisters.
Or brothers. Either way you spin this, it’s still funny.
22) The proper pronunciation of Market Basket.
23) I learned some pretty sweet new dance moves.
Please refer to season 2, episode 9: Kevin's Wedding. I don't use this word lightly, but it is indeed epic.
24) Rock and Shock: Weekend of Horrors!
Only the raddest horror/metal convention in New England!
2016 Dates: October 14,15, & 16th, Worcester, MA, Palladium and DCU Center, More updates available soon @ www.rockandshock.com
25) I still know how to laugh.
Which is an amazing concept. I laugh so rarely that I was convinced that I am dead inside (if I develop premature smile wrinkles that blood is on your hands; Nicolo!).
Thank you Holliston for the the wisdom you have bestowed upon me. I can officially say I am zero steps closer to becoming a better dancer, but we all have things we strive for. Keep up the good work guys! On behalf of fans everywhere, congratulations on returning for season 3, 2017 can not come soon enough!
As for the rest of you filthy animals, you better get to binging!
Make sure to take the poll below and follow me on Twitter! @RachaelRumancek
Who's Excited For the Return of Holliston?
In loving memory of David Dutil; the boy who laughed the loudest.
As well as anyone who has beed affected by suicide, you are not alone.