Ah, comic books. There's nothing quite like the long running art form, featuring many iconic characters being tossed between writers, artists, universes and continuities. While this is one of the attractive things about the medium, there's a lot of weird stuff hiding in the many, many pages of our favorite comic books.
Take these moments featuring some of our favorite Avengers for example, and ask yourself: How would any of these panels look in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
Ultimate Cannibal Hulk
This one is bound to give you indigestion. The Ultimate Marvel series — which takes place in the Ultimate universe, and is generally accepted to be hella weird — throws a plot twist our way as Bruce Banner loses his cool and goes on a Hulk rampage.
OK, losing his cool and going rampaging is his thing, we get that. The real plot twist comes when you realize that this version of Hulk is far less controlled than his Earth-616 counterpart — we're talking cannibalistic.
Oh and also Freddie Prinze Jr. is there too, because why not?
When his ex-girlfriend Betty Ross goes on a date with the aforementioned Freddie Prinze Jr., Banner flips his shit, injecting himself with super serum and going on a brutal rampage across New York.
But in case killing innocent bystanders 'cause your ex is going on a date with the star of Scooby Doo isn't enough, he also eats a few of them too. Just for good measure.
Oh, and in a later story he literally rips Wolverine in half for making a comment about Betty Ross, like so:
Note to self, don't mention Betty in front of Ultimate Hulk.
Iron Man's Abusive Suit
Speaking of jilted lovers, a story from the pages of The Invincible Iron Man will go down in infamy as that time Tony got Stockholm Syndromed by his own Iron Man suit. What, you didn't see that coming?
In this awkward story arc the Iron Man suit is struck by lightning (damn magical lightning gets everywhere in comic books) and comes to life for reasons which are vaguely defined. Something to do with Y2K and Tony sucking at installing safeguards against his armor coming to life, should've thought ahead there, pal.
In a twist no one saw coming, the suit then ostensibly falls in love with Tony, in the worst, most abusive way a super-powered suit of armor can fall in love with someone.
While Tony is inside of the suit (hold the jokes till the end, please) he's unable to control the armor, and it murders the villain Whiplash, which is in total defiance of Tony's "no-kill" morals.
The armor then locks Tony up, threatens to kill his girlfriend Rumiko Fujikawa, and eventually flies him to a deserted island to tie up and torture him. 'Cause nothing says love like nearly getting your face repulsor-melted off.
Everything cumulates when Tony suffers a heart attack, causing the lovestruck/abusive armor to rip out its own core to fix Tony's failing heart, in a manner which is never really explained. You'd expect Tony to be pretty pleased about this sudden stroke of luck, but instead he begs the armor not to die on him.
Tony, we're probably not the first people to say this, but you might need therapy, dude.
Iron Man & Black Widow's Sex Tape
While we're on the subject of Tony Stark's love life, how about this family-friendly gem from the Ultimate universe (we told you Ultimate Marvel was weird, alright), where a sex-tape leaked online makes life embarrassing for the Avengers.
Natasha Romanova gets a bad run of it in Ultimate Marvel. Prior to this event she was revealed as a traitor who murdered Hawkeye's young child in his arms, and was subsequently killed off by Hawkeye 'cause damn Auntie Nat, that's cold.
But before she was exposed, she was in a relationship with Tony Stark — most of what went on in the small hours was kept off page, until Ultimates 3 Vol. 1, when a Tony Stark / Natasha Romanova sex-tape was released online.
This issue also touches on the incestuous relationship between twins Wanda and Pietro Lensherr (Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver), just in case you weren't convinced that Ultimates was a dark, dark time for the sex lives of the Marvel heroes.
What a year 1992 was. Batman Returns was released, Miley Cyrus was born, McDonalds opened its first store in Beijing, and Captain America turned into a werewolf.
Yep, WolfCap is a thing taken from the pages of Man and Wolf, beginning with the issue entitled — *sigh* — "Dances With Werewolves."
In this story arc, Massachusetts is being overrun with werewolves — Captain America sets out to investigate and discovers that, of course, the villainous Nightshade is turning people into werewolves via a werewolf serum. What is it with Cap and serums?
Nightshade captures and administers her wolf-potion to Captain America when he goes to investigate the disappearance of an old friend. But — though he physically becomes a terrible fusion of man and wolf, with a permanently dopy expression and broken inner dialogue — the super soldier serum in Cap's blood allows him to keep his mind intact, more or less.
Thankfully, with the help of Wolverine and Captain America's old-friend-turned-werewolf, he's eventually able to able to obtain an antidote to the werewolf serum.
But not before we get far too many panels like this:
Now just imagine watching Chris Evans acting through Captain America wearing a werewolf suit. Ah who are we kidding? We'd pay to see that.