ByScott Wardell, writer at
Editor at MP. It never gets easier, you just go faster.
Scott Wardell

James Wan has served up a pretty impressive menu of movies throughout his career. Selecting off the cartes du jour from his directorial offerings, this is a fictional reimagining of his movies served as dishes by the chef himself and my reactions. Bon appétit.


James says: Tonight we're eating slow-roasted, beer-braised pork shoulder with fresh coleslaw and baked potatoes. I made this once before to impress these guys, but I think this time it's gonna be way better.

My response: Wow, this is great, James! I didn't know you were such a good cook. I'm thoroughly impressed, can't wait to see what you make next.

Dead Silence

Open wide! — 'Dead Silence'
Open wide! — 'Dead Silence'

James says: Here's some boiled chicken and saltine crackers.

My response: James, this is disgusting. Why the hell did you serve this to me?

Death Sentence

James says: Sorry about that, here's a bucket of bacon-wrapped buffalo wings drowned in 16 different hot sauces.

My response: Holy crap these are spicy! This is chicken? The heat is freaking out of control, James; I can't even tell what I'm eating. The bacon sounded like a nice touch but my scorched-earth tastebuds are utterly destroyed. Maybe spicy foods aren't your thing.


Draaaaagon Breaaaath — 'Insidious 2'
Draaaaagon Breaaaath — 'Insidious 2'

James says: I'm making enchiladas with cornbread and homemade guacamole.

My response: Holy crap this is delicious! I'm willing to destroy the roof of my mouth with this melted cheese magma because I must consume this whole pan!

The Conjuring

Bon Appétit!
Bon Appétit!

James says: Seeing as you liked the enchiladas so much, I'm feeling pretty confident about these carne asada tacos.

My response: This is definitely your forte! These tacos are deliciously satisfying and have just the right amount of crunch that makes me want some more.

Insidious: Chapter 2

Don't doubt yourself, chef.
Don't doubt yourself, chef.

James says: I want to try my hand at a Benihana-style meal.

My response: Um, OK. Hope this is as good as your enchiladas. Alright, so far it's pretty flavorfu— JESUS! What are you doing flipping that knife so much? You're worrying me, James. Wow, OK, I admit this is pretty tasty — yeah, this is pretty damn good.

Furious 7

Little bit of BAM! and some POW! Now we're cooking!
Little bit of BAM! and some POW! Now we're cooking!

James says: I want to try making pizza. I've seen a bunch of other guys making it and it looks pretty hard to mess up. Plus, everyone loves pizza.

My response: Not your best work, James. Sure, this is completely edible and it certainly isn't terrible pizza, but I'm really sick of eating pizza. Why couldn't you have just made enchiladas again?

What other James Wan films would you want dished up?


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