After our last foray into the dark, murky depths of comic book sex scenes turned up quite a few interesting entries, we thought it best to keep the crazy train running with another run-down of some more weird moments we weren't able to fit into the first post.
Because, though we hold superheroes up as pillars of humanity — something toward which we all secretly aspire to (who didn't want to be Spider-Man as a kid?) — they do still of course have their darker, more salacious sides.
Be forewarned: There are quite a few entries of incest on this list. No, we don't know why either. Dang Marvel, you have some strange stuff going on there. We'd like to blame it all on Ultimates, but sadly, we can't.
Speaking of Ultimates, that seems like a good starting point.
1. Ultimate Scarlet Witch & Quicksilver Keep It In The Family
Even if you're only a casual superhero fan you're probably aware of Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff and Scarlet Witch/Wanda Maximoff due to their appearances in both the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the X-Men films of the Fox-Marvel Universe (well, Quicksilver anyway).
So you probably know that Wanda and Pietro are twins and the children of X-Men's Magneto (or are they?), but did you know that in the gritty Ultimates they're also lovers?
The Twincest is heavily implied through the series, but it isn't until Ultimates 3 Vol 1, Issue 3 that we get a proper look at what goes on behind closed doors with the Maximoff twins. This revelation comes via a Wolverine flashback, which follows Wanda's death two issues earlier in the same issue which treated us to Iron Man and Black Widow's sex tape.
Oh yeah, and the flashback involves Wolverine watching them from the bushes while they get it on. Presumably humming Barry White while he watches.
Dammit Logan, we talked about this. Just watch porn like the rest of the X-Men.
2. Wolverine Tries To Bang A 15-Year-Old
But then we probably shouldn't be all that surprised by Ultimate Wolverine being a bit of a creeping pervert, after these issues of Ultimate Spider-Man, in which he tries to bang long-running Spider-Man love interest Mary-Jane — while she's still a teenager.
Yikes. Let's provide some context: In Ultimate Spider-Man #66 Peter Parker and Logan awake to discover that, somehow, they've switched bodies. This is later revealed to be Jean Grey's fault, cause Wolverine was being a jerk (again) and hitting on her (again), so she swapped his mind into Peter's body to teach him a lesson.
Anyway, Peter tells Wolverine that he has to pretend to be Peter and attend school — because the Ultimate Peter Parker is still only 15 years old. You know who else is 15 years old? His girlfriend, Mary Jane.
Mary Jane shows up at the Parker's house to walk to school with Peter, kissing and embracing him, not knowing that it's Wolverine's mind in Peter's body.
Of course, being a mature and respectable adult, Wolverine would never take advantage of this situation. Oh wait, we lied. Here's his reaction to the kiss:
After his panel we cut to Peter realizing he's in Wolverine's body, then back to Wolverine-in-Peter's body and Mary Jane, who are now standing outside.
At the end of the following issue — when Jean has restored Wolverine and Peter to their original bodies — Cyclops jokingly asks Logan "So, how was high school?" and he gets another creepy look on his face as we cut to Peter meeting up with Mary Jane.
Peter apologies for acting strange that day and Mary Jane forgives him, giving him another hug as she asks: "That thing you tried to do this morning, can we not do that till we're older?"
Yep — Wolverine tired to bang a 15-year-old while possessing the body of her also 15-year-old boyfriend. And he's one of the heroes in this universe.
3. Angel and Husk Get Freaky In Midair
Let's keep the X-Men theme running: This one comes from the pages of Uncanny X-Men, Issues 440 and 441, forming part of 2004's "She Lies With Angels" story arc, which chronicles a long-running family feud between the Guthrie and Cabot families.
Husk (Paige, one of the daughters of the Guthrie family) is at this point romantically involved with long-running X-Man Angel/Warren Worthington III and — as lovers do — they're in the reconciliation period after an argument at the Guthrie family home.
At this point all the X-Men are present at the house. When Paige overhears Angel confessing his worry about getting her killed to her mother, Lucinda, and his desire to pull away from her to protect her (that old nutshell), she understandably gets a bit pissed off at him.
Harsh words are exchanged, but they quickly kiss and make up, as Angel concedes that Husk is right and tells her: "I would die if I lost you." Aww, it all sounds very innocent and wholesome now, doesn't it? Well, buckle up cause it's about to get not-so-wholesome.
As they embrace they float up into the air as the rest of the X-Men and Lucinda look on. OK, still romantic right? That's not too bad (apart from the X-Men probably being able to see right up Paige's nightgown).
But then clothes start raining from the heavens. One of Paige's slippers hits Nightcrawler on the head, and then her nightdress follows suit. Bear in mind: They just decided to start getting it on in mid-air, in the bright sun, right in front of Paige's mother — with the rest of her family also being in the area. Not to mention their teammates, the X-Men. As Lucinda says: "Oh, my. I do not want to see this."
4. Wanda Straight Up Molests Wonder Man
Bringing it back to Scarlet Witch now, except we can't just explain this away as an Ultimate fever dream. Wanda Maximoff has a complicated history when it comes to men, but her sometime lover Wonder Man is one of the weirder ones.
The Scarlet Witch of the comics is much more powerful than her MCU counterpart, shown to be in possession of the power to reshape reality (see House of M). Unfortunately for her, she has a bad habit of being bat-shit insane — suffering numerous mental breaks that swing her character from superhero to villain pretty frequently.
One such instance happened during Avengers West Coast Vol 2 in the early '90s, when Wanda's husband Vision has his emotions wiped and it's revealed that the two children they had together were never real. Near comatose and manipulated by her father, Magneto, Wanda becomes "The Witch" and turns against the Avengers in Avengers West Coast #55, killing Wonder Man — who had long been in love with Wanda.
But his death doesn't last long, in the next issue she brings him back just for giggles. Well, giggles and a panel sequence which has gone on to become infamous in Marvel comic history.
After mocking him (well aware that he is in love with her) she, well, let's just look at the panel in question, shall we?
Yeah, what do you think just happened there?
This particular issue underwent a confused process from concept to printing (which Brian Cronin sums up in greater detail here), but the original page actually implied more obviously that Wanda ripped off Wonder Man's clothing and went South With Her Mouth on him. And if you don't know what that means then you're probably not old enough to be reading this kinda content.
OK, so, this is pretty goddamn weird and also means that Wanda is by definition a rapist — but it gets worse when you bear in mind that this happened in front of the rest of the Avengers.
Yeah, let's hope they leave that part out of Infinity War.
5. Nightcrawler Gets Busy — With His Sister?
We started with incest, and so will shall finish with it (I am so sorry for typing that sentence). Also we're gonna flip it back to the X-Men, 'cause those guys are f*cked up.
So, let's talk Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner. In general he's a pretty morally strict guy, preaching non-violence when possible and refusing to kill even in self-defense. Oh, and he's also a devoted Catholic.
So he's probably the last person you'd expect to engage in something as morally foggy as, say, having sex with his sister (but then again, we never thought Green Lantern would bang a teenager, yet here we are).
And so he did in this lovely little story from Uncanny X-Men Annual #1, released in the early 1980s. In "Nightcrawler's Inferno" Kurt's soul is dragged to hell and his body left seemingly dead (on his birthday no less). With the help of Doctor Strange the X-Men set out to investigate and end up in a Dante's Inferno-like hellscape, drawn there by Margali of the Winding Road.
After battling their way through the Seven Circles of Hell to retrieve Kurt's inert body, they are confronted by Margali and her daughter Jimaine. It's revealed that Jimaine is the one who drew the X-Men there in order to save Nightcrawler from Margali, who had taken Kurt's soul as she believed Kurt was responsible for the death of her son.
With some help from Doctor Strange, the X-Men discover that Kurt was raised by Margali as her own child from infancy, alongside her own children, Jimaine and Stefan. Stefan made Kurt swear an oath to him, to kill him should Stefan ever become evil, which he did many years later. Kurt followed through with his promise, and killed the man he called brother.
Once the truth is revealed, Margali forgives Kurt, sending all the X-Men back to their world — along with Jimaine. Kurt asks his sister why she came back with them, and she reveals that she's secretly been on Earth for a long while — in the guise of a woman named Amanda Sefton.
Why does this matter? Because Amanda Sefton is Kurt's girlfriend, and they'd been getting busy for months.
Taking aside the fact that she lied to him about who she was, you'd expect someone like Kurt to be at least a little affronted to discover that he'd been banging his sister. Well you'd be wrong, as Kurt proclaims that this is the best birthday present he's ever had.
Sure, they're not blood related, but they were raised as siblings ever since Kurt was "barely an hour old" — don't tell us that's not a little weird. And this is coming from a guy so morally stringent that he won't kiss his girlfriend/sister in front of the younger Kitty, out of fear of "setting a bad example" for her.
Get your priorities in order Nightcrawler. I mean, damn son.