Accio Christmas! You could be forgiven for thinking the big day is coming three months early this year, on account of J.K. Rowling, author and general life goals Goddess, announcing not one, not two but three brand new Harry Potter books to launch in September 2016.
Before you hit the butterbeer, there's a catch: They're just short stories, each focused on a different character or aspect of Hogwarts life. Also, they're only available in eBook form, which is devastating if you're old school like me and demand your fiction is printed on parchment. But new Potter is new Potter, and when the Gods smile down on us, we don't complain.
Ahead of the books' launch on Amazon, let's take a look at the synopsis for each of them. All aboard the Hogwarts Hype Express!
Short Stories from Hogwarts of Heroism, Hardship and Dangerous Hobbies
Fans of alliteration need look no further than this, a collection focused on "two of Hogwarts' most courageous characters: Minerva McGonagall and Remus Lupin." Also promised is a look into the private life of the tragic but endearing Sybill Trelawney along with magical beasts expert Silvanus Kettleburn.
Short Stories from Hogwarts of Power, Politics and Pesky Poltergeists
Sensing a theme here? The synopsis for this purple delight teases "a glimpse into the darker side of the wizarding world" - because, you know, we didn't see enough of that over the course of seven books in which a murderous Hitler surrogate kills countless innocents and then stalks a young boy for seven years. We'll dive into the "ruthless roots" of Professor Umbridge, and also look at the history of Azkaban and Horace Slughorn's wine-fuelled time as Hogwarts' Potions master.
Hogwarts: An Incomplete and Unreliable Guide
The third and final book seems a little more mysterious. Apparently "you’ll venture into the Hogwarts grounds, become better acquainted with its more permanent residents, [and] learn more about lessons and discover secrets of the castle." Sounds like we might be getting intimate with a few ghosts, which is not something you can say every day.
All three eBooks hit Amazon on September 6 2016, just in time for Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them (November 18 2016 in theaters). You can buy them in various languages from English to Portuguese, or even Dutch if you're that way inclined.
This is a live representation of what the inside of my brain will look like for weeks now. The sweet, sweet torment of anticipation:
Will you be giving J.K. Rowling your money for these books?