In the age of wifi and social media it’s hard not to jump on the online dating bandwagon. With so many available options and sites to meet someone, it’s hard not to find love in the vast pool of digital romance and lonely desperation. Much of the appeal is the ability to make yourself sound great, no matter how lousy you may be — much like a resume. Your sales pitch and your headshot are your selling point, so if you want to be one of the lucky thousands to get nailed via social-sites, they will need to be good.
So, you are ready to jump back into the world of virtual dating and disappointment, but how exactly do you make your-almost-awesome-self stand out among the millions of other awkward, empty mouth-breathers? Simple: Make it short, and make it sweet. Include a hobby or a good quality about yourself that may really impress, or hopefully even trick some poor sonofabitch into supplying to with validation, food and shelter.
There is no shame in the game of dating and the internet certainly is your oyster for that. Hopefully you may draw some inspiration from some of your favorite horror icons, and what their online dating bios might have read had they tried their hands at cyber dating:
Driven young man with strong family values and killer sense of direction.
Bob 'Pennywise' Gray:
Comedian and finicky eater who loves to vacation in the beautiful and serene New England scenery of Maine.
Just the right height for the ladies. #cunnilingus #KissMeImIrish
Pamela Sue Voorhees:
Devoted single mother of one, special needs and disability activist, avid camper.
Introverted sports fan who cares about environmental conservation and spreading awareness for those who suffer from respiratory diseases and ailments.
An old soul comprised of witty humor and a love for children. I just may be the man of you’ve been dreaming of. Come to Freddy.
Hobbies include: rock climbing and making home movies.
I enjoy hanging with my bro, watching horror movies and prank calling our friends.
Charles Lee Ray:
You can call me Chucky. I’m into toys, if you know what I’m saying
John Michael Paymon:
King of the [deep] south, I really know how to raise Hell and treat the ladies.
I’ve been told I have trouble letting go.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter:
Looking for someone who’s tender; ready to be wined and dined.
I’ve been known to get under women’s skin from time to time. #characterflaw
Elliot 'Pinhead' Spencer:
Military man who enjoys solving puzzles, sadism and serving Leviathan. Just looking for the perfect woman to travel from Hell and back with me.
Voyeuristic homebody/local business man. Looking for the right woman to take home to my mother and fill that vacancy in my heart.
I’m older than I look, boys.
Introverted southern gentleman who loves his father, "Bayou Babes" and fine crafted denims. Somewhat of a local legend.
Daniel 'Candyman' Robitaille:
These days I’m only a slave to finding love and making honey. #savethebees
Dancer, actress and independant woman. You may want to watch your tongue around me.
Vegetarian who likes sewing, hot baths and Jesus. Dislikes menstruation, school dances and being laughed at.
My last marriage ended after my wife froze me out, so I can be a bit cold at first.
Intelligent, athletic and charming with a killer sense of humor.
Dr. Philip K. Decker:
The only thing bigger than my PhD is my ego.
Red 'Pyramid Head' Pyramid:
A bit sharp around the edges, but overall people describe me as a generally loyal and protective dude.
A firm believer in treating people the way you want to be treated. #karma
I have a surprise for you.
Did you not recognize some of these characters? Brush up on your horror movie knowledge with the video below:
If these horror icons can make themselves appear stable and delectable, than so can you. Now get out there, rope 'em in and remember to never let the good ones get away, Weirdos.
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