With the release of Pokémon Sun and Moon only three months away, fans are getting excited for what new creatures will be introduced. But did you know that many Pokémon are based on real animals? Now I'm not just talking Rattata - based on a rat - and Pidgey - based on any bird ever - (and I hate those two for basically ruining Pokémon Go for me for being basically the only two Pokémon I ever saw, forcing me to rage-quit the game after about a week) but creatures as diverse as Gorebyss, Victreebel and Shellos.
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The real question to ask yourself with this amazing information is, if these Pokémon were to fight the animal they were based on, would they win? Let's find out. For the record I am only counting moves Pokémon have at level 1 and not ones later obtained from levelling up and by applying TM's.
Round 1: Caterpie vs The Eastern Tiger Swallowtail
- String Shot
The Eastern Tiger Swallowtail's Moves:
- Batesian Mimicry
- Terpene Pump
Have you ever seen anyone with a level 100 Caterpie? There's a reason for that. Caterpie is pretty crap. Tackle is the ultimate basic bitch move, and String Shot, as well as being kinda creepy (think about it), serves no actual purpose. Luckily for Caterpie though, The Eastern Tiger Swallowtail only really knows how to defend itself, such as through the use of Batesian Mimicry, whereby it pretends to be the poisonous Pipevine Swallowtail, and Terpene Pump, whereby the caterpillar emits disgusting-smelling compounds to scare the enemy away. So even with just tackle, Caterpie (somehow) wins!
Round 2: Drowzee vs Malayan tapir
Malayan Tapir's Moves:
- Quick Attack
A comparison of the two creatures suggests a fair fight - both have standard physical moves (pound, bite) and whilst the Tapir can get his move in first, Drowzee has the ability to send his oppressor to sleep. Too close to call.
Winner: Even Draw
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Round 3: Sandslash vs Pangolin
- Defence Curl
- Sand Attack
- Skunk Spray
- Defence Curl
The two creatures here seem pretty much the same, except the Pangolin - like the Eastern Tiger Swallowtail - has the ability to release noxious smells to ward away potential attackers. Combining that with its better defence curl, the scales on its body having the potential to damage the attacker who touches him, the Pangolin definitely has the edge.
Round 4: Stunfisk vs Stargazer
- Electric Shocks
The Stunfisk may be able to make you faint in one go with Fissure (30% accuracy rate) but the Stargazer really is one awful motherfucker. Described in The New York Times as "one of the meanest things in creation" it hides under sand before ambushing its enemy with venom and electricity. Stunfisk wouldn't stand a chance.
Round 5: Luvdisc vs Kissing Gourami
Kissing Gourami's Moves:
- Kiss of Death
- Sucking Your Skin
An entry-level Luvdisc can't do much apart from the basic tackle and the pointless charm (oh no you lowered my attack by 2) making him completely vulnerable to the attacks of the awful Kissing Gourami who uses his constant kissing method of attack to bully and harass his enemy. He likes to kill other fish by sucking the mucus off their skin. Easy win.
Winner: Kissing Gourami
Round 6: Mr Mime vs Mime Artist
Mr Mime's Moves:
- Magical Leaf
Mime Artist's Moves:
- Annoying Tourists
- Aggressively Demanding Money For Talentless Work
- Climbing Over Invisible Walls
Seeming as Mr Mime is a Pokémon and not sitting outside a Parisian cafe, the Mime Artists first move is largely useless, yet may be tempted to flee after the Mime Artist silently demands a euro after pretending to climb over an invisible wall. Luckily Mr Mime can use barrier as a defence mechanism before using magical leaf to damage him or confusion to make him inflict damage on himself by walking into an invisible wall.
Winner: Mr Mime
Round 7: Trubbish vs A Bag Of Rubbish
- Poison Gas
A Bag Of Rubbish's Moves:
- Cause a domestic argument (only works on the day before the garbage collector comes)
A Bag of Rubbish has little to no hope here, as it has no agency of its own, rather hoping for a particularly stormy domestic argument in which a family member's anger about having to take the bins out (again!) randomly causes her to take it out on a nearby Trubbish. For spillage, it really depends on what is in the bag of rubbish - such as uneaten Chinese takeaway, or rotting fruit - for when it is spilled. For the other days of the week, Trubbish can use the basic pound and poison gas to easily defeat his enemy.
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