Hi, babe. I have something for you. If you've ever wondered how the actors from The Room managed to adapt to normal life after reaching the lofty heights of such a masterwork, here are all the answers you've been seeking.
Below is a round up of what the entire cast of The Room have been up to over the past 13 years along with some bonus The Room facts that will have you ROFLing all the way to rooftop.
Johnny (Tommy Wiseau)
Role In The Room: The hapless Johnny is just a classic "nice guy" who works with computers and is tired of being taken advantage of by evil harpies. Loves roses in a definite sexual way.
Best Quote: "I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not. Oh hi, Mark."
Other Movies: Tommy Wiseau's oddly accented charm has landed him a number of other projects since The Room including a role as the beautifully named Ricky Rick in the TV series The Neighbors and 2015's Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance.
What Are They Up To Now? Wiseau's decision to follow his dreams and become an actor has clearly paid off because this dude is still making bank from The Room in addition to acting in other left-field projects.
With his flowing raven mane making appearances at Comic-Cons the world over to talk about the enigma that is his self-penned, produced and acted movie, Wiseau also rakes in the dollar with ever-popular The Room screenings where he takes part in Q&As. How he has survived watching the car crash that he created so many times and maintained his sanity is anyone's guess.
When he's not reliving the glorious time spent in The Room (which technically isn't even one room), Wiseau is acting in upcoming flicks, including the possibly ironically named The Masterpiece and Cold Moon. You do you, Tommy.
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: According to Greg Sestero, who played Mark, Tommy Wiseau was hellbent on introducing a subplot where Johnny is revealed to be a vampire. The reason? Well, Wiseau just like vampires, duh!
Sadly for humanity, Wiseau's artistic vision, which involved his Mercedes magically taking flight across the San Fransisco skyline, was too technically complex to achieve on their budget.
Lisa (Juliette Danielle)
Role in The Room: Lisa makes one thing clear in The Room, she hates her fiancé Johnny and would rather spend her time in bed with just about anyone else. Oh, and that she doesn't give a fuck her mom has breast cancer. She's meant to be a bitch, but as the only person with any gumption, you'll probably warm to her.
Best Quote: "I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?"
Other Movies: Despite being haunted by the shame of The Room for years, Juliette eventually emerged from the shadows to take part in TV shows such as Development Hell, Involuntarily Single and IRL the Webseries. She also furthered her movie career with the esteemed Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws.
What Are They Up To Now? Just like her multi-layered character, Juliette seems to know exactly what she wants out of life and has shaken off her shame like a wet dog to grab it. After embracing her notoriety as one of the lead actors in The Room, Juliette has burst back into the acting world, looking to have fun and not take herself too seriously.
Along with the noble goal of making so-bad-they're-our-favorite movies, Danielle also devotes herself to rescuing cats, binge watching Netflix and Facebooking. Basically, Juliette is living her best life.
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Tommy Wiseau was so pleased with the excruciating sex scene that he filmed with Juliette (it was originally a staggering 6 mins long, by the way) that he wanted to do another one. Juliette was so creeped out by the experience that she straight-up refused, so the second love scene is just clips from the cutting room floor spliced together in a Frankenstein fashion. Hence why the candles are already lit when the amorous odd couple roll in.
Mark (Greg Sestero)
Role in The Room: Mark is seemingly mentally deficient, which makes him a suitable candidate for his role as both Johnny's BFF and Lisa's fuck toy. Thankfully, Lisa's pregnancy turned out to be fake so he didn't get to pass his defective genes along.
Best Quote: "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!"
Other Movies: Despite his experience in The Room, Greg continued to act and is even appearing alongside Tommy Wiseau The Masterpiece in 2016. He's also appeared in TV shows Fashion House, The Nostalgia Critic and The Blessed Ignorance of Men.
What Are They Up To Now? Sure, he might have continued acting, but Sestero's greatest gift to the world is his 2013 book The Disaster Artist, which chronicles how demented making The Room really was. Along with achieving the lofty record of being the 6th book ever ordered on Movie Pilot dollar, The Disaster Artist was picked up to be made into a feature-length movie by Hollywood superstars James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Greg is currently touring the UK promoting his book and posting literally everything The Room related on Twitter.
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Greg Sestero was originally hired as a line producer, despite have no idea what the role actually was or having any experience. Luckily for him, he was later moved into a role he was even less qualified for when Wiseau insisted that he play Mark and developed a scheme to shunt the original actor (who had already been cast) out of the role. Sestero wasn't going to take the bait because the sex scenes were too cringeworthy, but Wiseau made a compromise and let him wear jeans.
Denny (Philip Haldiman)
Role in The Room: Denny is a weird, ambiguous, child-like figure whose sole purpose is being kind of creepy. That, and buying drugs so that Johnny can show what a good guy he is when he heroically wrestles a gun man. He scares me.
Best Quote: "You're not my fucking mother!"
Other Movies: Philip has filmed a few movies and shorts since he mercifully escaped The Room, including The Overnight and Murder Inside of Me.
What Are They Up To Now? Philip was understandably shunted away from the pitfalls of a career in acting and he now works as a journalist for The Arizona Republic. Haldiman is also working on his own comic book series, if you couldn't tell from the fedora.
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Despite playing the youngest character, Haldiman was actually one of the oldest people on set.
Claudette (Carolyn Minnott)
Role in The Room: Claudette is Lisa's mother, who exists to give her daughter appalling relationship advice and be ignored for having breast cancer. All of Claudette's "friends" and relatives seem to hate her, and it's easy to see why. Sry, Claudette!
Best Quote: "I got the results of the test back — I definitely have breast cancer."
Other Movies: Despite being one of the best actors in The Room, Carolyn tragically hasn't appeared in much else. You can see her in 2001's That's My Bush! if you're that way inclined...
What Are They Up To Now? Sadly, Minnott doesn't have much of an internet presence so it's hard to glean what she's up to these days. We can get her wise insights into the workings of The Room though:
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Carolyn Minnott had always wanted to act, but The Room was the first role she successfully auditioned for. Needless to say, after achieving her lifetime dream, Minnott gave the role her all and even returned to set after being hospitalized for heat stroke. Oh, and if you were worried about her character, don't fret, Wiseau has clarified that she recovered from the breast cancer that nobody gave a single shit about.
Michelle (Robyn Paris)
Role in The Room: Nobody seems sure what Michelle is meant to be doing in The Room, least of all Michelle herself. She loves chocolate though, so that's nice.
Best Quote: "Mmm... feed me."
Other Movies: Along with her masterful performance in The Room, Robyn has appeared in Mr. Jinx and Present Perfect.
What Are They Up To Now? After starring in probably the most poorly scripted movies that ever will exist, Robyn decided she could do better and became a scriptwriter. She is still clinging onto Tommy Wiseau's legacy though and is currently writing a mockumentary entitled The Room Actors: Where Are They Now?
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Robyn was actually a later addition to the cast when the original Michelle was fired halfway through filming. Apparently this was a regular occurrence.
Mike (Mike Holmes)
Role in The Room: Pulling the best orgasm face known to man.
Best Quote: "She pulls it out, and she's showing everybody... me underwears."
Other Movies: Mike (also known as Scott, probably to distance himself from his The Room alter ego) has a plethora of credits to his name, including on the TV show The Chris Gethard Show: Public Access and as a zombie in The Walking Dead.
What Are They Up To Now? There isn't much info out there about what Mike Holmes is up to these days, but you can hear his talk about the hellmouth that was filming The Room in the video below:
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Tommy Wiseau actually had the alley set rebuilt, purely so he could film the football scene where Mike falls over. This cost the production thousands of dollars and it took two entire days to recreate the set before filming could begin.
Chris-R (Dan Janjigian)
Role in The Room: Possessing the world's most baffling hyphen and getting all gunny on Denny because he didn't pay for his meth, or whatever.
Best Quote: "I don't have FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!"
Other Movies: Dan has a small portfolio of movie experience, including roles in Take Out and Irangeles.
What Are They Up To Now? Unsurprisingly, Janjigian turned his back on acting entirely and he now works in marketing and business development. His career might sound pretty dry, but Dan is no stick in the mud and he has rejoined his former acting partners to take part in the aforementioned The Room Actors: Where Are They Now?
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Chris-R was originally going to be played by Mike Holmes, who was already playing Mike, cunningly disguised in a hat and glasses. After eventually convincing Wiseau that this was batshit crazy, Mike's roommate, Dan Janjigan, was cast.
Peter (Kyle Vogt)
Role in The Room: The creepy as fuck Nazi-looking therapist who attempts to delve into the perilous war zone that is Johnny's psyche.
Best Quote: "People are people."
Other Movies: Of all of the actors, Kyle was clearly the least traumatized by The Room because he has racked up a lot of acting credits to his name. Some of Vogt's post-The Room work includes Monarch of the Moon, Project X: The True Story of Power Plant 67 and Drivetime of the Dead.
What Are They Up To Now? Kyle Vogt is still working as an actor in LA, he also happens to be a Reddit AMA enthusiast and a keen Dungeons and Dragons player to boot.
Absolutely Insane The Room Fact: Kyle Vogt had to leave before his scenes were completed due to a previous acting commitment. This explains why his character isn't at the party and the end. In order to maintain the integrity of the script, a completely new character named Steven is roped in to say Peter's lines.
Which painfully absurd The Room moment never fails to get you LOLing? Please don't leave your stupid comments in your pocket.