The workplace can be hell, and most of us know that slaving away in an office officially sucks. Your prison of white formica cubicle, fluorescent lighting and flame retardant carpet has you trapped for upward of eight hours a day, with a lunch break consisting of a floppy sandwich hurriedly gobbled at your desk your only solace. Still, it could be worse. Your colleagues could be trying to kill you. In The Belko Experiment, every office-worker's fear becomes reality...
Check out 10 signs that one or more of your co-workers are out to murder you!
1. Health Freaks
You know awful Mike who jogs at lunchtime with the joy dogs reserve for dragging their anal glands across a rug? He's trying to kill you. Smug, salad-munching Sally who crunches carrots and side-eyes you while you get your second McDonald's of the week? She's trying to kill you. There is no earthly reason for these posing prats to get this fit, unless they're making their bodies into streamlined killing machines to subdue your feeble mortal form into unconsciousness.
2. Coincidental Restroom Meetings
That one person you always bump into on the way to the bathroom may seem like nothing more than a mildly awkward encounter, but shouldn't you be a little more suspicious of a co-worker who's memorized your daily routine down to the minutiae? Have you simply synced bladders through a similar fondness for caffeinated beverages, or are they ghosting your movements in a bid to destroy you with a combustible cistern?
3. Fridge Lurkers
Leaving weird mulch in the fridge for weeks on end is not just an unpleasant habit — it's a petri dish for exotic bacterias designed to bring you to a sweating, shivering end in the cleaning supplies cupboard. These are the sort of people who nuke fish in the office microwave, or leave a quarter of an avocado in the salad drawer until it can walk unaided.
4. Noisy Typing
People who manically clack their keyboards have this much excess energy in their fingertips because they're brimming with murderous rage. Bloodlust creates enormous pressure on the human limbic system, prompting the synapses to send frenetic movements to the extremities. This results in typing so loud you think they may be trying to contact extraterrestrial life in morse code. Be warned.
5. Use of Corporate Jargon
Is your boss always urging you to actuate your "smartability"? Do they use "network" as a verb? If there's a chronic jargon spouter in your working life, they are definitely trying to "cultivize" your blue-sky ballpark (and you don't even want to know what that means).
People who lean over to spy on your computer screen are not just annoying, nosy people who should be hit with sticks. They are also trying to end you. This assassin knows that knowledge is power, keeping tabs on your Facebook activity, memorizing your passwords and getting ready to strike at any given moment. If they're not trying to kill you, then they're just plain irritating.
7. Sickness Saboteurs
That one colleague whose holier-than-thou attitude propels them into the workplace even when they're spewing mucus from every visible orifice? This particular colleague is your very own personal patient zero, determined to expose your nervous system to whatever virulent strain of the bubonic plague they're carrying. They're trying to kill you.
Anyone asking to "pinch" your stapler or "borrow your charger for a minute" is clearly a dangerous lunatic trying to strip you of vital supplies, leaving you vulnerable to attack. Your best bet is to keep everything you own clearly labeled in a box under your desk. Yes, you'll look like a maniac hoarder, but nobody will steal your mace spray.
9. Endless Email Responses
Replying to every email, no matter how small or insignificant, with a string of carefully selected, colorful GIFs is not only a sure sign of psychosis, but a definite sign a colleague is trying to kill you. Whether they're attempting to trigger an aneurysm with a specific series of optic stimuli or just wearing down your morale until you asphyxiate yourself with a mouse mat, nobody is that excited about the office fun run.
10. Any More Questions?
Nobody who is not the blackest evil from the bowels of hell would answer in the affirmative to "anymore questions," keeping everyone locked in a windowless meeting room that smells like a ballsack. This is the worst person in your office, and you should preemptively kill them before they kill you.
Check out The Belko Experiment — released to theaters on March 17 — where work really is murder.
So, is one of your co-workers trying to kill you?
[All Images Credit: Blumhouse Tilt)